Sometimes that feeling revisits. And it doesn't take falling off a fort to bring it about. At times in my life it has come with the death of a loved one, or when hopes have been dashed. Sometimes, for me, the cause of my pain is secondary infertility (yup, it's a thing!), all it takes is hearing that a friend is pregnant again, or that they've just been blessed with a new healthy baby. A few weeks ago, 3 of my friends had babies and 2 of my friends announced pregnancies, within the space of 7 days. I was genuinely happy for them ... so so so stoked. But at the same time it felt as though I had been winded. I was reminded of something I can't have. Pain that I thought was over and done with, resurfaced. I was taken by surprise. Again, today, news has left me feeling breathless, feeling that pain and grief, and with a mind full of questions.
I have been blessed with two amazing children who I am incredibly thankful for. Zach, (who turned 4 on Tuesday, I fell pregnant with him without any trouble which was a miracle given a long history of endometriosis) and Evy (our second miracle who joined our family through adoption). So you'd think I'd count by blessings and just be grateful for what I've got right? I mean, I have two children. Some people are left longing for even one. To them, my heart goes out.
But the truth is, at times, it still hurts. The pain is still present. The grief real. And sometimes, when I think I have it all sorted, it takes me by surprise and leaves me breathless.
Today I was reminded of the story of Hannah, found in 1 Samuel 1. Here is a woman who's 'womb had been closed'. She was struggling with infertility, and her heart was broken. Her husband was married to another woman as well, another woman who had children, and this woman took pleasure in reminding Hannah of her misfortune and barrenness, she revelled in rubbing salt in Hannah's wound.
For years!
It devastated Hannah's husband to see her so broken, but even he couldn't fully grasp the extent of her pain.
"In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly." 1 Sam 1:10
This woman inspires me! In the depth of her despair, she knew who to turn to, where to go, and she didn't go unheard. He prayers were answered. She was blessed.
Verse 20 says "So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.”
In the course of time.
Hope!
Always Hope!
For all of us, there are moments where pain is overwhelming and we are left feeling breathless, and it feels as though all hope is lost. Whatever it is that leaves you breathless,
winded,
questioning,
with a deep pain and inner turmoil
go to Him.
In our anguish, may we turn to the one who is hope and love, who will not fail us, who sees us, hears us and knows us, through and through.[1] Even in our bitter weeping, may we be found in prayer before the One who will answer.
SamMe.
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