Rules are made to be broken ... right?

"Rules are made to be broken!" Those are the words that I heard my mother told my son at a birthday party we were at a couple of months ago. (Sigh). I'm pretty sure if anyone had said the same thing to me when I was Zacs age, she wouldn't have been  to thrilled about it ... but somewhere in the transition of parent to grandparent, she's softened ... a LOT! I think in context we had told Zac no more chippies before lunch, or no more lollies or you will feel sick, and she couldn't resist his cute little pleading face and gave him whatever it was he was asking for. The thing is, there was a reason we set the rule we set. To protect Zac from a sore tummy later, to protect ourselves from a 3 year old bouncing off the walls, to make sure Zac had enough room for some healthy nourishing food a bit later, it wasn't just to deny him the right to something he enjoyed. Thankfully there were other friends around who knew the rules and then moved the lollies or chips so Zac wouldn't ask his Nana again : )

We have rules in our family because we want to teach/guide/lead our children to become thoughtful, caring, loving, law abiding adults. Rules like "No hitting" and "Speaking to each other with kind words" and there are consequences if we break the rules (we use time out for these kind of things, 1 minute per year of life). It's time for them to sit by themselves and just reflect on their behaviour, it's worked well so far.

We also want to teach our children about self discipline, so we have intentionally not moved some things up higher that we don't want them touching ... like the CD's. Instead we have taught them (with a LOT of patience, and sometimes not so much patience) that they aren't to touch and play with the CD's. In the big scheme of things, it's not a huge deal if they do, but it's a way we can teach them obedience, respect, consequences and self discipline.

Also just basic rules to keep the kids safe ... "No running out onto the road, you must hold mummy or daddy's hand when crossing" or "Sitting on your bottom while you have food in your mouth" ya know, that kind of thing.

We've actually just started trialling letting Zac pick his own consequences for his actions ... seeing how this works out. He hit Evy the other day, so I said to him "Zac, we don't hit in our family ... what do you think should happen now because you broke the rule?" Eventually he came to the decision he would sit in the hallway in time out, he wasn't to happy about it, but realised there had to be a consequence for hitting his sister.

Some of the consequences we've used are time out, confiscating toys, banning a certain TV programme (the wiggles or bananas in pyjamas), depending on the rule that was broken. We hold them accountable to the rules, and they certainly hold us accountable to the same rules. We don't want to be "do as I say, not as i do" parents, and I've been challenged a few times when Zac has pulled me up. Sometimes Brenton and I will throw the remote to each other across the room and Zac will pipe up "Hey ... no throwing inside". Often our response will be something like "You're right Zachy, Sorry"

I'm a believer in consistency too. The same rules apply to all of us. There are the same consequences to the same rules broken. I can't not enforce the boundaries on days where i'm tired and can't be bothered because this just creates confusion. Consistency

In society there are rules I need to abide by, if I don't there are consequences ... if I get caught going over the speed limit, I have to pay a fine, If I abused my children, I would have them removed from my care, If I stole from a neighbour I may face jail time. I want to teach my children that life is about making choices ... many of these choices are around abiding by, or breaking rules and when we break rules there are consequences. I'd much rather they learn this tough life lesson from me in  an environment where they are loved and cared for, then the hard way later down the track.

On the flip side, there are some rules in society that suck, and times where I think authority needs to be challenged. With this in mind, as the kids get older, I'll endeavour to teach them balance, how to distinguish between the rules that are right, and those that fly in the face of basic human rights.

Basically, I value boundaries and think our children have thrived so far with the rules and boundaries we have put in place, I love my kids and want them to learn how to function well in society as caring, kind, stable adults, we think rules and boundaries will help them grow into these kinds of people... so far so good!

I think it's important to note that sometimes the consequences seem unfair, and we need to acknowledge that. Zac may cry because of the consequence and I need to recognise and acknowledge how he feels about the scenario. Rules are important, so are the consequences BUT so are his feelings and emotions! Often I will say something like "Zachy, I know you don't want to sit in time out, and i know it's stink ... but the reason you are here is because ..."

Anyway, some more itsy bitsy thoughts.

What rules and boundaries do you have in your family?
Do you think we should have boundaries for our kids ... should we enforce them with consequences or just let children learn for themselves?
How important do you think consistency is?
Let me know what you think in the comments section below!

Actually ... "It takes a village..."

Zachys new thing at the moment is the word "actually". The other day he did something deserving of 'time out' and so I sent him into the hallway and as he got to the door he turned around, looked at me, and said ever so calmly "Actually, I don't want to go". No tanty ... just a calm objection to the consequence of his own behaviour (trust me, it's not always like this)! I had to bite my lip so i wouldn't lose it laughing. Since when has he known the word "actually"? He sounds so grown up when he uses it, it just doesn't seem right coming out of such a little person so matter-of-factly! Someone called him monkey the other day, and he quickly responded "Actually, my name is Zachary Millar!"

Actually, you are Zachary William flipping cute, gorgeous, bright, intelligent, loving, kind wee boy Millar! (Who says Mums are biased?)

Actually, one of the key thoughts that have impacted our parenting is the proverb "It takes a village to raise a child". I'd never really thought much about it until after we had Zac. I mentioned in my last blog about how I was studying when he was born, I had 8 weeks off, and then went back too it. The thought of putting Zac into Day care broke my heart. I couldn't bring myself to do it, he was so little and so vulnerable, and he'd been given to us to care for, so for me personally I just couldn't do it ... so Zachy joined our class as I trained to be an officer in The Salvation Army. (I will be forever grateful to the family orientated leaders and staff who supported us and enabled this to happen).

I think its fair to say not everyone in the class was on board with the idea to start with, however as the year went on Zac just became a part of the class and everyone began to take a role in caring for him. In our first days in class if i struggled to settle him, staff members would be more than happy to take him for a wee walk and cuddle while I sat in class. My Class mates would take their turns helping me out by feeding him (with the bottle, just to clear that up), cuddling him or changing the odd pooey nappy! Their help, their support, their investment into Zacs life kept me sane, so i could be the best mummy to him! I could not have studied and cared for him in that environment all by myself, Everyone became involved in Zacs growth and development.

It was around this time that I really began to understand the saying "It takes a village to raise a child". Zachy was cared for by us as his parents, but he had a village raising him, caring for him, influencing him ... our family extended to those doing the journey with us at BCM and those in our church family.

Of course this includes our own extended families, but because we live so far from them all :( the input of this wider family counted all the more!

 We set the boundaries, and we set the rules, and those around us helped us to enforce them. They helped to take the pressure off us, they supported and encouraged us ... I am so grateful for community. Once I had finished at BCM and we were appointed to our first corps in Upper Hutt (we are still there), I was up the front most weeks. Whenever I was up the front I entrusted the care of my child to someone else. (I picked who they were, and if they failed to enforce our boundaries and the rules we put in place, we didn't ask them to look after Zac again).

For example during church, once Zac started crawling the rule was that he could play on the floor, but he had to stay in a specific area. We got a mat and during church the mat was his boundary ... he wasn't allowed off it. I spent the first month of crawling Sundays down the back of church teaching him this new rule. He would crawl off, I would pick him up, put him back on the mat and tell him, "no moving off the mat during church" or "Stay on the mat". After a month, once i kicked back into 'up the front action' I simply told those looking after him on a Sunday morning he wasn't allowed off the mat and they enforced it. He tried to push the boundaries, but by having the same rules enforced by people who loved and cared for him, it solidified what I had already taught him. I think when we have others around who back us up and support what we have put in place it really helps to consolidate the importance of what we are teaching them.

So as a parent, I appreciate the influence others have on Zachy and Evy. I not only appreciate it, I welcome it ... there are just some things I can't offer and teach my kids, but others can. Brenton and I look to the support and encouragement of others to help us raise our children. We can't do it on our own!

I also realise the impact and influence I have in the lives of all the children around me, whether they be mine or not. Every child deserves love, care, affection, but not every child receives that. For me, every child who I have a relationship with, is in my village. My example to them of Jesus, the way I treat them and the love I show them will influence them in years to come. I've heard it said that every child needs 6-8 adults (other than their own parents) to take interest in them for them to grow into well-rounded stable adults. I look back on my own childhood and think of the many adults that influenced me positively. People i will be forever grateful for.

I also recognise the support I can give to other parents, last Sunday in church our kids shared about their experience at Supernova Kids camp. One single mum stood up and challenged the corps family by pleading with them ...  "Please take an interest in our kids, they need you, they need your support ... some of these are my kids, and I'm a single mum, I can't do this on my own, please take an interest".

In saying all of this ... actually ... all I'm saying is "It takes a village to raise a child".

Who are the children in your village needing your influence?
Who are the adults in your village who can influence your children?

Itsy Bitsy thoughts from SamMe