Conditional love ... why I'm a far from perfect parent

A beautiful sun shiny day, the sky is blue, not a cloud in sight and Master four is home today with a hacking cough. His little throat is so sore. As the day goes on his energy increases and he wants to play. Ahhh the park. A source of joy, a place to play to learn to run, and to pee … apparently.

Seriously, every time we get to this particular park, one of the children need to go to the toilet. Which would be fine … if there was a toilet. There’s not. Today was no different, although we lasted a good ten minutes which is a miracle. So Master four is walking towards me, pulling down his pants without a care in the world. 

“Um, what are you doing?” I ask

“I need to go wee’s.” He replies

“Zachy, there is no toilet”

“I’ll just go on the grass.”

“Um, no you won’t. If you need to go to the toilet we’ll have to go home” as I start to pick up my bag

“Oh, it’s ok mum, I don’t need to go.”

And off he goes to play ... I thought.

Within a minute he’s out of my sight, and so I stand to find him … no sign. I walk around this tree that hangs over itself and creates a cave that kids love to play in, and as I look in, I see a four year old doing his business. MY four year old.

“Zachary Millar!”

He emerges pulling up his pants, he’s obviously relieved. I’m obviously mortified.

“In the car right now we are going home”

“What mum?! No!”

“Ah, yes, I told you not to do wees here, you didn't listen we are going home.”

I explained to him that it wasn't appropriate for so So SO many reasons! Deliberate disobedience. It’s fair to say I was disappointed.

And as we drive home, he sits in the back in tears. And then he hits me for a six with a question. It rocks me to my core. Children have this way of turning your world upside down in the most innocent of ways.

“But Mum” he sobs “Do you still love me?”

Are. you. kidding. me? He’s four. What on Earth would ever give him the impression that I would ... that it was even possible, for me to stop loving him. And my heart breaks. Because peeing in a bush after I’d told him not too is minuscule.

But for some reason, this little guy thinks that as a result of his behaviour, his disobedience, he is now unworthy of my love?

And my mind floods with questions; What have I done to make him think my love for him is conditional? A harsh word? A glaring look? A fierce tone? Too strict? Hovered? Ignored? What haven’t I done? Hugged enough? Encouraged enough? Played enough? Validated enough? Prayed enough?

This isn't the first time we've had this conversation. It’s happened a couple of times over the last couple of weeks.

“Zachy, of course I still love you! Nothing could ever stop me loving you. Nothing. Nothing you say, nothing you do. I will always love you.”

At home he apologises and melts in my arms. It’s over. And I hold him tight! I remind him I love him.

And he says “No matter what?”

“No matter what!!!”

And his lips curl up, he grins with this massive smile, and it’s like he knew all along. He just needed to be reassured. Man I love this kid.

Unconditional love loves regardless of behaviour and through the consequence. It’s the same way I’m loved by love himself. I love because he first loved me. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

And sometimes I question it and he reassures me with truth. I'm still learning. To be loved and to love. And I'm believing my boy, who I love more than I can say will learn, know and experience this unconditional love too. 

Every woman needs her hero ...

"I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night

He’s gotta be strong

And he’s gotta be fast

And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light

He’s gotta be sure

And it’s gotta be soon

And he’s gotta be larger than life"

Did you just sing it in your head?

This song was released the year I was born. It's catchy, it sure is fun to sing playing sing star with a group of friends ... but the lyrics ... not so sure!

I think this song (and others!) reinforces a common misconception that women have about men and about their 'need' for men. (Interestingly the song was written by two men) It also reinforces misconceptions that some women have about themselves and their place in society and within a relationship. Many women have this desire to be swept off their feet by a man who is heroic and prince-like, someone who will rescue them from their struggles and save they day. It's reinforced by children's stories, rom-coms (admittedly I do like watching romcoms), action movies and comics.

Have you seen Disney's Avenger gender specific sexist T-Shirts that were released recently?

The Boys version

And this one is for the girls

Thankfully because of an online petition the girls version were removed from the shelves. A friend shared with me how creating change through online petitions blows her mind. "ridiculously easy, super effective!" I've been sceptical of online petitions in the past, and wondered about their effectiveness ... here is the proof they work.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to light a bonfire, start burning my bras and all my children's Disney books. But I do feel that within society and within the church, many have bought into a lie that says women are a subordinate gender who require rescuing.

For a period of time I believed it. I actually desired as a teenager and young adult to be swept off my feet, that I needed to wait for my knight in shining armour. Some of the books I'd read totally reinforced this. Case and point, "Captivating" which in summary pretty much says "Every woman was once a little girl. And every little girl holds in her heart her most precious dreams. She longs to be swept up into a romance, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, to be the Beauty of the story." It's the companion book to "Wild at Heart" which says: "God designed men to be dangerous," It talks about how men long to be involved in adventure and desire a beauty to rescue. I'm not denying men and women are different, we are, but some differences are simply stereotypes that result from society. These books can certainly get some discussion going.

I think part of the reason we "long" for these things, is because these ideas are instilled into us from childhood ... Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Snow White etc etc etc ... They are nice stories with feel good happy endings, but we mustn't confuse fantasy with reality.

As an adult I'm able to make the distinction between fantasy and reality (hopefully), my children aren't. Little girls grow up thinking they are inferior beings in need of rescue, and boys grow up thinking they are superior, the hero who's responsibility it is to rescue. My responsibility to them as their parent to to make sure they know they both have strength, courage and the ability to fight for the things that really matter. In fact just yesterday I had a conversation with my 3 year old son who was adament that his sister couldn't be a hero because she was a girl, she had to be the princess ... (he hasn't got these ideas from me!) needless to say I emphasised that Evy could be a super hero in their game as well, he actually got quite heated about it, but eventually conceded.

If we're real and honest about it, the whole of humanity requires rescuing, our need for rescue is NOT gender specific. The fact is, we (humanity) have been held captive by sin, that sin separates us from our Creator, and we are incapable of rescuing each other. But God, who loves us fiercely and passionately comes as a human to rescue us once and for all. Jesus sets us free from the bondage and captivity of sin. He pays the price on our head with his own life. He fought death and won, being raised to life, and his victory is ours. He's a hero who has strength in love and power in forgiveness. And he calls us (both men and women, he makes no distinction) to join him in this adventurous life of rescue.

I don't expect my husband to be a hero! I love him so much, and he absolutely loves me. For me to expect him to be my hero, my rescuer is to place unfair, unrealistic expectations on him, and set him up to fail, despite what we are often told, it's not his responsibility to 'rescue' me.

Don't stereotype me because I'm a woman, I don't need rescuing, I have been rescued, and now I partner with my hero, my Saviour, Jesus, to see others rescued and set free, as do many of my male counterparts. As a woman who is married, I get to share this adventure with my husband, (but it's an adventure I'd still be participating in if I wasn't married!) This is reality not fantasy. In Christ we have been given the same commission and in him there is neither male nor female.

End of Rant.
Much love!

P.S: If you are a parent of a little girl, you might find these websites helpful:
A Mighty Girl Website - empowering girls everywhere, this link takes you to a page full of books about princesses who do the rescuing instead of waiting to be rescued

Miss Representation - A website based on the film which explores how the media’s misrepresentations of women have led to the underrepresentation of women in positions of power and influence. Has some great resources to get involved and active.

I wrote a book this week ...

Well, I can tick "Write a book" off my bucket list. Haha, not really! 

One of the things that was really emphasised when Brenton and I did training through Child, Youth and Family while preparing to adopt Evy was the importance of creating a life book.

A life book is a book written for an adopted child with the intention of sharing the child's story with them. It is a honest look at their life from the beginning. Generally it starts with their birth, talks about their birth parents, tells them they are adopted and how that came about. I've read that adopted children can imagine all sorts of ideas about their birth parents from a young age, (for example; their parents died in a car accident, their real mum is a princess in a far away kingdom, their real Dad is coming back one day to look after them) so keeping it open, honest and real with a life book helps the child to understand the reality of their situation.

Because Evy's is an open adoption, she will grow up knowing that she is adopted and she will know and be involved with her birth family. To help her understand her story we wrote a life book for her. We didn't call it a life book as such, instead we've simply said "This is a story all about Evy."



It just arrived a couple of days ago and we plan on giving it to her for her second birthday present. We didn't start with Evy's birth like is often suggested but wanted to start with who she is and what she likes. We move into the deeper stuff a little bit more into the book. It's not too deep but will definately get some conversations happening when she's a bit older.

The biggest thing that we want Evy to know is that she is planned, loved and wanted. We don't ever want her believing she was a mistake, unwanted, abondoned or rejected because nothing could be further from the truth. This is a major emphasis in her story. She was planned by God, to be a part of our family. She is loved by us, and she is loved by her 'tummy mummy'.

I can't wait to read it to her for the first time. I'm sure it will be one of those books we read time and time again, and something that she will treasure for life.

Writing the life book was also a really therapeutic exercise for me. As I wrote her story and thought about how we'd tell her about her adoption, I battled with thoughts reminding me she's not biologically mine. What I came to realise through the book is that she is my daughter in every other way now, and that's what really counts. The process was challenging, satisfying, time consuming but so far really rewarding.

Just some more itsy bitsy thoughts from SamMe :)

Meet Evy's Birth Mum

Brenton and I have been blessed with an incredible, beautiful daughter through an open adoption. It’s approaching one year since Rebecca, Evy's birth mum asked us if we would consider adopting. Rebecca is a brave, sacrificial, loving young woman who adores Evy. This is her story:

My name is Rebecca and I am writing this piece in Sammy’s blog to share my story of how I came to the decision to place my beautiful daughter Evelynn for adoption with Sammy and Brenton.

I was raised in a Christian household and my parents, like Sammy and Brenton, are Salvation Army Officers. In my teenage years I went through some major struggles and ended up pregnant at 15 with my first daughter. When I was 18 I found out I was pregnant with Evy. I was honestly panicked. I was already a solo mum to a wonderful little girl and, having a second baby, I knew would put a strain on me and her emotionally and financially.

I seriously considered abortion, even though I don’t believe in it, but since I was going to be doing it alone again it seemed like my only option. It wasn’t a good time in my life at all but then I started looking into adoption and what it all meant. I started the process and had looked into birth parents, but then at 20 weeks I decided that I couldn't do it and that I wanted my baby.

Our family was then moved down to Wellington for my parents' work and I decided to start over. That’s when I met Sammy and Brenton; they were officers at the church we started going to. They were wonderful, kind and loving people. Sammy especially helped me during my pregnancy, was at my baby shower, and we grew a close friendship.



On Tuesday 31^st May 2011 at 8:20am, weighing 8lb 6oz, I gave birth to my amazing beautiful little girl, Evelynn Jade. She was perfect and I loved her to pieces.



Evy with her birth mum, Rebecca



Life was great for the next 8 months, until I started seeing someone. He was very manipulative, controlling and made me feel very low about myself. I also believe I experienced some form of postnatal depression (as I had previously had it with my oldest daughter.) Something in me changed and my whole life started to spin out of control. So I decided that the best thing to do was to make the best life I could for my children.

I approached Sammy in the final week of January 2012 and asked her if they would consider adopting Evelynn. I had no idea that they had already started the process of adoption and I truly believe God had this perfectly planned out and protected everyone involved.

On March 16^th 2012 I signed my legal rights away as Evelynn’s mum and the legal process began. It was a long, drawn out and emotional process that took its toll on me physically, emotionally and mentally. It hurt more than anything I had ever been through but I know that it was the best decision I will ever make! Evelynn is with a safe, loving and incredible family. She will have the amazing Christian upbringing that I always wanted her to have, just like the one I had.

I still see Evelynn most weeks and get to babysit her. She still knows me really well, she calls my parents grandma and granddad and she still has an amazing bond with my other daughter. She has gained a whole new family while still keeping her original one and I am so blessed for Sammy and Brenton doing this amazing thing for me. We are now all like one big family and the bond and relationships built through this I believe will never fade or falter because God is in the center of it all!

Rebecca xx

Kids, time and Jesus

What could be better? Seriously! There really is nothing like being in Christs presence!

So, why is it so hard to find time to get there? I don't know about you, but I find as a mum of two young children (3 & 1), spending dedicated time in Gods presence, in His word and seeking Him in prayer can be challenging to say the least.  In fact, it's been a daily struggle since having Zachy 3 1/2 years ago. It can be easy to find time to find time for facebook, or a fab TV show, yet I can struggle to make time to spend with God.

The constant "Muuuuum"s, requests, toys, books, messy lounge and squabbles easily fill my day (I wouldn't change it, I adore my kids). When Zachy was little I would sometimes find I could go a whole day without even saying hello to Jesus. Often those were the hardest, most tiring days. Yet in His Presence we find rest and strength. What I've come to realise is that a day without Jesus is like living in survival mode, we just get by. Days with Jesus, in the presence of His Spirit are full of life, joy, peace, power, grace and mercy.

I used to wipe off dedicated time with Jesus with "He's with me all day, I can pray to him anytime for anything", "I'm not a morning person" (understatement of the century!!!), "I can find Jesus in my everyday"  which is true, but they became excuses for not setting time aside to just be with Him , to just simply hang out, seek him, listen for him.  You know what? My time set aside with Jesus, in prayer and in His Word goes beyond my expectations every time! He never fails me, He always speaks when I'm listening, and I fall more in love with Him each time. (Like that's not enough reason to make time with Him a priority!)

I don't have all the answers, time with Jesus continues to be a struggle with two wee ones, but it's definitely a battle worth fighting. I don't want to survive each day, I want to live each day to its fullest.
This is an ongoing journey, it will continue to be. At the moment, some days I start the day with Jesus first thing, other days it's when my kids go down for their nap, others it's in the evening before bed, but I'm endeavouring to make it a daily thing because In Gods presence:

• we find rest (Exodus 22:14)
• there is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11)
• we experience His goodness (Psalms 31:19-20)
• we are strengthened (Psalms 46:1)
• we are cleansed (Psalms 51:10-11)
• we discover our true identity (Psalms 100:2-5)
• we are redeemed (Isaiah 63:8-9)
• we are refreshed (Acts 3:19-21)
• we find hope (Romans 5:5)
• we are given life (John 6:63)
• we are set free (2 Corinthians 3:17)
• we experience his love (Romans 5:5)
• we are transformed (2 Corinthians 3:18)

Amazing huh? SO SIMPLE TOO!

What things have you put in place to make spending time in Gods presence a priority?
For you parents out there, any tips for other young mums when it comes to hanging out with Jesus?

Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving; Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms. For the LORD is the great God, And the great King above all gods. Psalms 95:2-3

Much Aroha,
SamMe!

Jumping in Puddles, Poohs, Wees, Toilet Paper, and Bibs

 

There's something to be said about the simplicity and joy in the life of a toddler. My kids have reminded me and taught me that time and time again.

Our kiddlywinks jumping in puddles during our recent holiday in Taupo

I remember taking Zac to the park last year sometime ... he was probably 2 at the time. As soon as he got out of the car, he bee-lined for the nearest puddle ... I ran and grabbed him just before he got there! I swooped him up, and said "No Zachy, you'll get all wet if you jump in the puddle." We ventured to the park and played on the swings, slides ... well actually I watched him play. As I sat there I thought about how quick I was to pull him out of the puddle, and I began to question why I'd done it. What's wrong with jumping in puddles, who cares if we get wet, we can always go home and change later. He was absolutely loving climbing and sliding, he was giggling away and I just thought ... JOY! He is full of Joy. That's what his life consists of, and sometimes I get so busy, and am in a constant rush, I don't stop to jump in the puddles. At that moment, I called Zac over and we made our way back to that first delightful puddle that enticed him when we first arrived. And we jumped in it! It was fun. We got wet. We laughed. We splashed each other. We got muddy. It was exciting. It was delightful. It was joyful.



Then I looked across the park and saw a field full of trees and fallen autumn leaves. It was like I was a child again and they were calling me to go and play, so we did. We threw leaves at each other. We threw them in the air and danced under them. We ran and chased. We kicked them. We played.

I love how it's in a child's nature to gravitate to the things that bring joy. Often I'm quick to pull them back, but a lot of the time, I actually just need to let them be, and more often than not, I need to join them! I don't want to squash my children's joy, I want them to embrace it and grow in it.

There is so much research on the positive effects of play for children, it enhances brain development and helps them make sense of the world, and it's great for bonding and building our own relationship with them. I believe play goes much deeper and is good for their soul.

Some of the things we like to do with the kids are:

• Make indoor obstacle courses with furniture (so much fun on a rainy day)
• Grab ALL the pillows and cushions in the house, pile them up in the lounge and make a mountain, we climb the mountain, wrestle and jump all over it.

Zachy and his best buddy climbing Pillow Mountain

• Build indoor slides (with our coffee table)
• Build forts with blankets
• Rough and tumble on the floor (which almost always ends in tears when it's with Daddy)
• We encourage imagination by making up stories together, we give Zachy 3 things to make up a story about (Eg: tell us a story about a pink elephant, 10 balloons, and Elmo). Some of the things he comes up with are hilarious.
• Baking, play dough, finger painting etc.

Fridays are our day off, and we've renamed them Funday. Because we work during the week and during the weekend, we guard our day off and treasure the dedicated time with our kids. We always try to get out and about. Today was a beautiful day, so we drove into Wellington and hired a croc-o-cycle.

Riding a Crocodile on Funday!

We picnic'd together and played at a park. Sometimes we go swimming, other times we go to junglerama, some days we just veg out, play games and watch DVDs but Fridays are always Fundays. In fact last week, Brenton got Zac up, and the first thing Zac said was "Yay! It's our day off!"


Even now, with the kids tucked up in bed Brenton and I are having a giggle. Yesterday Zac had been to the toilet, and came into me and the conversation went a little like this:
Z: Mummy, I put my thing in the toilet (with a massive grin on his face)
M: Your what? Your wees?
Z: No, my ... ummm, my... ummm, ahhhh, my
M: What Zachy? What did you put in the toilet?
Z: My, ahhh, shape?
M: Your shape? Whats your shape?
I walked into the toilet to see what he was talking about, and the toilet bowl was empty
M:Zachy, did you put something in the toilet and flush?
Z: Yeeeaaaah (Nodding proudly)
As we were walking back into the lounge I kept asking what it was, and he couldn't tell me. Eventually he walked over and pointed to the draw we keep the bibs in
Z: I got it out of there!
M: A bib? did you flush a bib?
Z: Yeah ... I did (still grinning)
M: Zachy, we don't flush bibs, the toilet might stop working. (I was trying unsuccessfully not to laugh.)

I forgot to tell Brenton this story. Tonight Brenton had a conversation with Zac, while he waited for Zac to do wees on the toilet before bed. Their conversation went a bit like this.
B: You doin OK?
Z: Yep. I put my bib in the toilet
B: No you didn't, you've still got it around your neck.
Z: Yes I did
B: Do you mean the downstairs toilet?
Z: Yes, and it's gone!
B: Ohhh Zachy! Zachy, only three things go in the toilet: Poohs, wees and toilet paper. Do you understand?
Z: Yup (very thoughtfully, sitting on the toilet he started to count with his fingers) Poohs, Wees, Toilet paper. (A few moments of silence, and he shows all his fingers) AND BIBS!

The kid has comic timing, he is full of joy and brings us joy! Our children's play and experimentation
 helps them understand the world, helps their brain develop. Some of the greatest life lessons I have learnt, have been from my children in the last 3 years! As a parent, I see my role as one of nurturing, loving, providing, guiding and teaching (to name a few). But I don't see my 'teaching' role as a one way street! My kids have so much to teach me, if I'm open and willing to learn from them, and I am.

What funny things have your kids done, that you've HAD to laugh about?
How do you play with your kids? What do you do to keep life fun for them?
What's the greatest lesson you've learnt from your kids?
Share your ideas and thoughts in the comments below, I'd love some new things to try with our kids.

My final Itsy Bitsy thoughts on parenting. (For a while anyway) 

Rules are made to be broken ... right?

"Rules are made to be broken!" Those are the words that I heard my mother told my son at a birthday party we were at a couple of months ago. (Sigh). I'm pretty sure if anyone had said the same thing to me when I was Zacs age, she wouldn't have been  to thrilled about it ... but somewhere in the transition of parent to grandparent, she's softened ... a LOT! I think in context we had told Zac no more chippies before lunch, or no more lollies or you will feel sick, and she couldn't resist his cute little pleading face and gave him whatever it was he was asking for. The thing is, there was a reason we set the rule we set. To protect Zac from a sore tummy later, to protect ourselves from a 3 year old bouncing off the walls, to make sure Zac had enough room for some healthy nourishing food a bit later, it wasn't just to deny him the right to something he enjoyed. Thankfully there were other friends around who knew the rules and then moved the lollies or chips so Zac wouldn't ask his Nana again : )

We have rules in our family because we want to teach/guide/lead our children to become thoughtful, caring, loving, law abiding adults. Rules like "No hitting" and "Speaking to each other with kind words" and there are consequences if we break the rules (we use time out for these kind of things, 1 minute per year of life). It's time for them to sit by themselves and just reflect on their behaviour, it's worked well so far.

We also want to teach our children about self discipline, so we have intentionally not moved some things up higher that we don't want them touching ... like the CD's. Instead we have taught them (with a LOT of patience, and sometimes not so much patience) that they aren't to touch and play with the CD's. In the big scheme of things, it's not a huge deal if they do, but it's a way we can teach them obedience, respect, consequences and self discipline.

Also just basic rules to keep the kids safe ... "No running out onto the road, you must hold mummy or daddy's hand when crossing" or "Sitting on your bottom while you have food in your mouth" ya know, that kind of thing.

We've actually just started trialling letting Zac pick his own consequences for his actions ... seeing how this works out. He hit Evy the other day, so I said to him "Zac, we don't hit in our family ... what do you think should happen now because you broke the rule?" Eventually he came to the decision he would sit in the hallway in time out, he wasn't to happy about it, but realised there had to be a consequence for hitting his sister.

Some of the consequences we've used are time out, confiscating toys, banning a certain TV programme (the wiggles or bananas in pyjamas), depending on the rule that was broken. We hold them accountable to the rules, and they certainly hold us accountable to the same rules. We don't want to be "do as I say, not as i do" parents, and I've been challenged a few times when Zac has pulled me up. Sometimes Brenton and I will throw the remote to each other across the room and Zac will pipe up "Hey ... no throwing inside". Often our response will be something like "You're right Zachy, Sorry"

I'm a believer in consistency too. The same rules apply to all of us. There are the same consequences to the same rules broken. I can't not enforce the boundaries on days where i'm tired and can't be bothered because this just creates confusion. Consistency

In society there are rules I need to abide by, if I don't there are consequences ... if I get caught going over the speed limit, I have to pay a fine, If I abused my children, I would have them removed from my care, If I stole from a neighbour I may face jail time. I want to teach my children that life is about making choices ... many of these choices are around abiding by, or breaking rules and when we break rules there are consequences. I'd much rather they learn this tough life lesson from me in  an environment where they are loved and cared for, then the hard way later down the track.

On the flip side, there are some rules in society that suck, and times where I think authority needs to be challenged. With this in mind, as the kids get older, I'll endeavour to teach them balance, how to distinguish between the rules that are right, and those that fly in the face of basic human rights.

Basically, I value boundaries and think our children have thrived so far with the rules and boundaries we have put in place, I love my kids and want them to learn how to function well in society as caring, kind, stable adults, we think rules and boundaries will help them grow into these kinds of people... so far so good!

I think it's important to note that sometimes the consequences seem unfair, and we need to acknowledge that. Zac may cry because of the consequence and I need to recognise and acknowledge how he feels about the scenario. Rules are important, so are the consequences BUT so are his feelings and emotions! Often I will say something like "Zachy, I know you don't want to sit in time out, and i know it's stink ... but the reason you are here is because ..."

Anyway, some more itsy bitsy thoughts.

What rules and boundaries do you have in your family?
Do you think we should have boundaries for our kids ... should we enforce them with consequences or just let children learn for themselves?
How important do you think consistency is?
Let me know what you think in the comments section below!

Routine, Routine, Routine

One of the most helpful things we have found in our parenting is Routine! From about 6 weeks old we started to establish a routine for Zac, and it made life so much easier! (I think the first 6 weeks with child number one is just hard anyway, regardless of parenting style, lack of sleep, the unknown, getting to know each other... it's a time of discovery) Anyway, we started establishing Zac in routine when he was 6 weeks old (once i felt like i had Breast feeding well established) the day started at 7am (or there abouts, no earlier) and he'd be fed 3 hourly which became 4 hourly when he was a bit bigger.

If he woke for a feed before 7, that would be fine, but it would be the night-time routine which was simply "Up, feed, change, feed - back to bed (we wouldn't make eye contact, talk or turn on the lights, i would simply hold and nurse him).

His day time up time routine was simple too, feed, play, and sleep again. Those first few days of establishing him in his routine were quite difficult and we spent a lot of time watching the clock and letting him cry ... but it only took 3 days and he'd adjusted to the routine we'd set, and seemed happier and settled for it.

Because I was studying at college and Brenton was working full time, Zacs routine was essential to my survival. I worked Zacs sleeps and feeds around my class schedule and he was able to come to class with me from 8 weeks old until i finished when he was 7 months. He would sleep in class most of the time when i wanted him too ... and it all just worked really well! It bacame the norm, he knew what to expect but we weren't so rigid that we didn't allow flexibility and he just became a really adaptable, easy going child. Even now when he is 3 he has a routine and he knows it!
7amish - up, breaky and play time (Educare on mondays and tues and thurs mornings)
12ish lunch
1ish - sleep
3-3.30ish up to play
5ish- bath
5.30ish tea
6.30ish when Evys in bed we play board games or read stories
7pmish - bed for the night.

I can count the number of times he has resisted his afternoon sleep on one hand, and again he's a flexible, easygoing, fun loving kid!

When Evy joined our family permanently on the 9th of May 2012 we continued to establish her in the routine we had instigated while she was in a temporary situation. It looked something like this:
7ish - up, breakfast, bottle, playtime
9.30 - sleep
11ish -up, play, lunch, play
1sh- sleep
2.30ish - up to play :)
5ish- bath
5.30ish tea
6ish bottle
6.30ish bed

(I say 1ish because usually it's within 15 mins of either side of the time.)

We've just in the last couple of weeks dropped Evys morning sleep and brought her afternoon one earlier, so she's down to 1 sleep a day and adjusting really well... we had a few pretty unsettled days, but she's come right now.

 Initially she struggled to sleep through the night ... understandable given all the change she had been through ... but it wasn't long and she was sleeping through, and instead of waking at 5am ... we persevered with the 'no one gets up before 7' rule and she now sleeps through till 7. When she's teething or unwell we have days where the routine goes totally out the window, and sleeping through the night is impossible but that's ok, that's just part and parcel with it and it's something I've come to expect ... some days we just have off days (and nights).

Brenton and I got back yesterday from 3 days away by ourselves ... we were able to write out the kids routines and the kids were as good as gold for the baby sitter. Even though we weren't there, the routine was the same and the babysitter had no problems whats-so-ever (other than having to put Zac in time out twice for pinching and pushing his sister). In fact i was a bit nervous they may play up for her and that Evy might not be so settled in the night ... but each morning they woke up at about 6.55am and her comment to me was "You've trained them well!"

I believe children thrive in routine (just from observation and what i have experienced work with our kids). One new mum recently told me that she didn't even try to put her daughter in a routine, but her baby naturally did it herself ... I think within 6 weeks and soon enough bubs was sleeping 8 hours in the night ... amazing, it's like it's a part of our inbuilt nature.

So anyway, those are some itsy bitsy thoughts on parenting.

P.S: I am not saying this is the one and only way to parent, this is what we've found helpful in our parenting journey so far ... just say'n!

Attachment Parenting ... Pfft!

HA! Got your attention with this posts title didn't I? I don't actually believe that AP is wrong... let me just clarify that now before I start getting hate mail! With Zac, we never really 'attachment parented' But with our newest addition we have taken some of the concepts from attachment parenting and implemented them.We adopted Evy just short of her first Birthday, so building attachment has been something we have worked really hard on and I've found the Attachment Parenting (AP) model really helpful. If this is a new idea for you, you can visit "What AP is"

Our experience and choice of parenting for Zac however has been quite different from AP one we've thought has been successful. The reason I've started thinking about it in the last week of so is after watching a segment on 60 minutes dedicated to AP (some parents weren't to fussed on the way this presented AP)
Before I had Zac a friend had started to base her parenting on the book Baby Wise (the link is a wikipedia link, not the best source i know, but it outlines what it is and also shows criticism against Baby Wise). Anyway, my friend, she had a cruisy baby who slept through early on, he was content and happy and so i decided it was worth reading the book. As I read it, it really resonated with me. It lined up with the kind of parenting i had observed as a teenager in a family whose children have grown into incredible young men and the kind of parenting we decided to imitate.  EVERY parent I've spoken to who have been 'baby wise parents' only had positive things to say. In fairness ... I've only had this conversation with about 11 mums ... it's not a full blown research project.

I am the mother of two wonderful, gorgeous children. I am incredibly blessed!

This is my story, and I am not implying it's the way all children should be raised, I'm not implying it's the only way ... it's the way we choose to do it, and our choice was made based on the way we had seen other children raised, and the kind of people they were/are becoming. (Our choice wasn't based so much on research ... i can be pretty scepticle of research and its credibility) In saying that, again, our parenting style has changed a little for Evy and we've taken on some AP concepts.

 My son is 3 now and a well behaved, smart, kind, empathetic, independent, loving little boy (I know, biased much?). (Just like to note at this point he never failed to thrive, suffered malnutrition and as yet has no hint of any emotional disorders) At 6 weeks old we started to establish a routine for Zac and by soon after Zachy learnt to self settle and was sleeping through the nights at 8 weeks old. He was super cruisy (once i got into the swing of things ... first child and all), super placid and extremely happy! His first night was the only night he slept in the same room with me (I slept in the lounge with Zac after a 12 hour home birth the night before), i found it stressful, couldn't sleep and jumped at his every move... from night 2 he was in his own room. When he would wake for feeds i would let him cry a bit ... so he could settle if it wasn't hunger or poos or pain, and if he continued i would go in and feed and change him. I would have the hallway light on limiting the light in his room and i wouldn't talk to him or make eye contact. I would simply hold and nurse him and put him back to bed. He very quickly learnt the difference between night and day and was sleeping through before long.
When I would put him down for day sleeps in the early days he would often sleep in the moses basket in the lounge. I would put him down, and let him cry. 10 minutes was my cap, if he was still crying at 10 minutes then i would come and soothe him and we'd try again ... more often than not, he'd be asleep before 10 minutes. Yup, I'm a parent who watches the clock! We set his sleep times and set a routine for him to work around us.

Understandably if a child is left to cry for hours on end, of course that will be detrimental, but i don't believe crying is harmful for children ... in fact, i actually quite like a good cry myself! The interesting thing we found is that once Zac was well established in his routine (set by us)... he stopped crying ... he just didn't cry (unless he'd hurt himself) because he didn't need to. He came to realise that sleep, eating, bathing, playing all happened, and he just cruised through it all. He would wake up, chat away in his cot ... knowing we would be there to pick him up when it was time. We didn't have to respond so quickly that he didn't cry, he just didn't cry because he was secure and knew his needs would be met, we put this down to routine ... he certainly had off days and we would just go with it on these days but mostly he was up and feeding at 7am, 11am, 3pm, 7pm and again at 11pm by 8 weeks he was going through to 7am and not long after that dropped the 11pm feed. Obviously as he got older and his needs changed, we changed his routine ... but it has been a sweeeeet ride!!!

One of the interesting things I've read in research is that letting a baby cry can result in brain damage ... well Zachy is certainly not that, he was counting to 12 and singing his ABC's well before he was 2.

I also note that the particular family we have chosen to model our parenting from have 5 boys who all excel in certain areas, musically, academically and physically. They are teens and adults now and incredibly well adjusted! No sign of brain damage what-so-ever! Sometimes I read research and I'm sceptical because what the research says really doesn't match up to my own experience or my own observations.

As I've been writing today's post, I've thought of a number of ideas/thoughts/observations we have based our parenting on and i think each one probably deserves a post of it's own so over the next week or two I will blog sharing our story, our own evolving model of parenting. It's probably a mix of all kinds of parenting styles, but one we have found super successful when we look at our kids. It includes: Routine, Routine Routine, Rules and Boundaries, It takes a village to raise a child and fun & play. I'm sure I'll probably discover more as i go. I am no professional, I'm not trying to be, I only have 2 children and they are still young (plenty more time for me to make more mistakes)... I'm just wanting to share our story and what has worked for us over the last 3 years ... take it or leave it, with the whole AP 'movement' (I don't know if that's the right thing to call it) I've sometimes felt like maybe I've done the wrong thing with Zac, and caused him more harm then good, but then i look at him and realise that so far ... he's turned out great.

All in all, if we were to have another baby ... we'd be definitely be leaning towards the controversial Baby Wise again.
What have you found has really worked for you in your parenting?
Is there any ones parenting style you observed before you had kids you wanted to imitate in your own parenting?
Share with me in the comments section below!

Some simple itsy bitsy thoughts from SamMe.

P.S: The dolls house is really coming along nicely ... almost finished the interior ... I just have to find some kind of carpet and then the work on the exterior will begin. I'm having SO much!!!

The inside so far ... bit of paint and wall paper to brighten it up

The outside all prepped and ready to paint