Conditional love ... why I'm a far from perfect parent

A beautiful sun shiny day, the sky is blue, not a cloud in sight and Master four is home today with a hacking cough. His little throat is so sore. As the day goes on his energy increases and he wants to play. Ahhh the park. A source of joy, a place to play to learn to run, and to pee … apparently.

Seriously, every time we get to this particular park, one of the children need to go to the toilet. Which would be fine … if there was a toilet. There’s not. Today was no different, although we lasted a good ten minutes which is a miracle. So Master four is walking towards me, pulling down his pants without a care in the world. 

“Um, what are you doing?” I ask

“I need to go wee’s.” He replies

“Zachy, there is no toilet”

“I’ll just go on the grass.”

“Um, no you won’t. If you need to go to the toilet we’ll have to go home” as I start to pick up my bag

“Oh, it’s ok mum, I don’t need to go.”

And off he goes to play ... I thought.

Within a minute he’s out of my sight, and so I stand to find him … no sign. I walk around this tree that hangs over itself and creates a cave that kids love to play in, and as I look in, I see a four year old doing his business. MY four year old.

“Zachary Millar!”

He emerges pulling up his pants, he’s obviously relieved. I’m obviously mortified.

“In the car right now we are going home”

“What mum?! No!”

“Ah, yes, I told you not to do wees here, you didn't listen we are going home.”

I explained to him that it wasn't appropriate for so So SO many reasons! Deliberate disobedience. It’s fair to say I was disappointed.

And as we drive home, he sits in the back in tears. And then he hits me for a six with a question. It rocks me to my core. Children have this way of turning your world upside down in the most innocent of ways.

“But Mum” he sobs “Do you still love me?”

Are. you. kidding. me? He’s four. What on Earth would ever give him the impression that I would ... that it was even possible, for me to stop loving him. And my heart breaks. Because peeing in a bush after I’d told him not too is minuscule.

But for some reason, this little guy thinks that as a result of his behaviour, his disobedience, he is now unworthy of my love?

And my mind floods with questions; What have I done to make him think my love for him is conditional? A harsh word? A glaring look? A fierce tone? Too strict? Hovered? Ignored? What haven’t I done? Hugged enough? Encouraged enough? Played enough? Validated enough? Prayed enough?

This isn't the first time we've had this conversation. It’s happened a couple of times over the last couple of weeks.

“Zachy, of course I still love you! Nothing could ever stop me loving you. Nothing. Nothing you say, nothing you do. I will always love you.”

At home he apologises and melts in my arms. It’s over. And I hold him tight! I remind him I love him.

And he says “No matter what?”

“No matter what!!!”

And his lips curl up, he grins with this massive smile, and it’s like he knew all along. He just needed to be reassured. Man I love this kid.

Unconditional love loves regardless of behaviour and through the consequence. It’s the same way I’m loved by love himself. I love because he first loved me. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

And sometimes I question it and he reassures me with truth. I'm still learning. To be loved and to love. And I'm believing my boy, who I love more than I can say will learn, know and experience this unconditional love too. 

Stalked by fear ... liberated by Love

Last night I woke to the sound of my four year old son screaming a blood curdling scream. I bolted out of bed to go to him, only to meet him in the hallway as he ran and leaped into my arms. I don't think I remember him ever holding me as tight as he did last night. He was holding on for dear life, crying and so I held him, tight. I took him into our bed and he settled in my arms, between Brenton and I. He told us that Monsters had been chasing him.So he'd ran, right into the arms of safety. We talked about it with him, talked about how there are no such thing as monsters and he calmed right down. After a visit to the toilet, he hopped back into his bed and went back to sleep. All I wanted to do was comfort him and allay his fears. I hated seeing him afraid and fearful.  

When I was 14 years old, my mum had taken a protection order out against her ex-partner. The living situation had been less than ideal for a long time, and she had built the courage to do what she needed to, to protect us. Unfortunately the protection order wasn't enough to deter him from 'harassing' us and the mental, emotional abuse and intimidation continued. He would sit down the road from our house and watch us, when we went out he followed, when we were visiting at a friends he would drive around and around the block. At one point he rented the house next door, I discovered it after finding holes in the fence, climbing a tree and seeing his car parked in the shed .

Fear marked my life. It was a continual state of being. One evening after arguing with Mum about something I left the house and started walking to a school event in the dark. As I walked he pulled up and drove his car alongside me. He drove off, and lapped the block I was walking. Terror took over. I have never been so petrified in all my life. I pulled out my cellphone and called mum (should have called the police, but fear clouded clarity and sense). She, in a panic and fluster, couldn't find her keys but contacted a friend to come and get me. By this stage he'd settled himself in a car park at a supermarket, watching as I walked.

Twice, a protection order breach was thrown out of court because of technicalities. The so called protection of the state really was no protection at all. For years after this event I was afraid of the dark. Right into my adult years. I struggled to walk outside by myself in the dark, I was hyper-vigilant of every noise and movement and avoided it as much as possible. Fear holds us captive. It stops us from living a full life. It has a way of chasing us down and cornering us, like a crazy stalking his prey. It wasn't until working through the 12 steps programme (highly recommend it!) during my training at Booth College of Mission that I found freedom from this fear. I remember the first time, walking from the main building to our little on campus unit, by myself, without fear. It was a celebratory moment. 

At the time of the incident I struggled to see Gods protection in the situation,  yet I look back now and I see it clearly. Recently during a time in prayer my thoughts took me back to that fear-filled night, and I had a picture of Jesus, standing between me and the car. A fierce look on his face, like only over his dead body would he let anyone get to me. Absolute determination, absolute protection, absolute security. 

Psalm 139 is one of my favourite psalms. Verse 10 says "your right hand will hold me fast." 

This speaks to me of ultimate security and protection. When I get in a car and fasten my seat-belt  I do it as a means of protection. If I have to stop suddenly, or find myself in a dangerous situation the seat-belt is there, fastened, to hold me in place, to protect me, and prevent harm.

Psalm 139:10 is a promise. In the right hand of God, we are held tight, we are secure, we are protected. Just as my son finds security, comfort and freedom from fear in my arms, we can find security, comfort and freedom from fear in Gods.

When we fail to trust Jesus, and choose to rely on other things like finances, relationships, status, others approval and affirmation we take a step out of His hand - we fail to rely on HIM to secure us. Trust and total dependence on him places us in the centre of His hand and assures us of His security and protection. 

"There is no room in love for fear." 1 John 4:18. God is love, it's his very nature. When we rest in God, abide in him, trust him and depend on him, fear dissipates and freedom reigns. Hallelujah!

Questions to consider:
Is there something I am fearful of?
In what or who do I depend on for ultimate security?
Am I embracing and living in the truth of the Word of God which says "Your right hand will hold me fast"?


Prayer: "Lord, thank you for the security, protection, comfort and freedom we have in you. Hold me fast in your right hand! In Jesus name, Amen." 

Every woman needs her hero ...

"I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night

He’s gotta be strong

And he’s gotta be fast

And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light

He’s gotta be sure

And it’s gotta be soon

And he’s gotta be larger than life"

Did you just sing it in your head?

This song was released the year I was born. It's catchy, it sure is fun to sing playing sing star with a group of friends ... but the lyrics ... not so sure!

I think this song (and others!) reinforces a common misconception that women have about men and about their 'need' for men. (Interestingly the song was written by two men) It also reinforces misconceptions that some women have about themselves and their place in society and within a relationship. Many women have this desire to be swept off their feet by a man who is heroic and prince-like, someone who will rescue them from their struggles and save they day. It's reinforced by children's stories, rom-coms (admittedly I do like watching romcoms), action movies and comics.

Have you seen Disney's Avenger gender specific sexist T-Shirts that were released recently?

The Boys version

And this one is for the girls

Thankfully because of an online petition the girls version were removed from the shelves. A friend shared with me how creating change through online petitions blows her mind. "ridiculously easy, super effective!" I've been sceptical of online petitions in the past, and wondered about their effectiveness ... here is the proof they work.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to light a bonfire, start burning my bras and all my children's Disney books. But I do feel that within society and within the church, many have bought into a lie that says women are a subordinate gender who require rescuing.

For a period of time I believed it. I actually desired as a teenager and young adult to be swept off my feet, that I needed to wait for my knight in shining armour. Some of the books I'd read totally reinforced this. Case and point, "Captivating" which in summary pretty much says "Every woman was once a little girl. And every little girl holds in her heart her most precious dreams. She longs to be swept up into a romance, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, to be the Beauty of the story." It's the companion book to "Wild at Heart" which says: "God designed men to be dangerous," It talks about how men long to be involved in adventure and desire a beauty to rescue. I'm not denying men and women are different, we are, but some differences are simply stereotypes that result from society. These books can certainly get some discussion going.

I think part of the reason we "long" for these things, is because these ideas are instilled into us from childhood ... Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Snow White etc etc etc ... They are nice stories with feel good happy endings, but we mustn't confuse fantasy with reality.

As an adult I'm able to make the distinction between fantasy and reality (hopefully), my children aren't. Little girls grow up thinking they are inferior beings in need of rescue, and boys grow up thinking they are superior, the hero who's responsibility it is to rescue. My responsibility to them as their parent to to make sure they know they both have strength, courage and the ability to fight for the things that really matter. In fact just yesterday I had a conversation with my 3 year old son who was adament that his sister couldn't be a hero because she was a girl, she had to be the princess ... (he hasn't got these ideas from me!) needless to say I emphasised that Evy could be a super hero in their game as well, he actually got quite heated about it, but eventually conceded.

If we're real and honest about it, the whole of humanity requires rescuing, our need for rescue is NOT gender specific. The fact is, we (humanity) have been held captive by sin, that sin separates us from our Creator, and we are incapable of rescuing each other. But God, who loves us fiercely and passionately comes as a human to rescue us once and for all. Jesus sets us free from the bondage and captivity of sin. He pays the price on our head with his own life. He fought death and won, being raised to life, and his victory is ours. He's a hero who has strength in love and power in forgiveness. And he calls us (both men and women, he makes no distinction) to join him in this adventurous life of rescue.

I don't expect my husband to be a hero! I love him so much, and he absolutely loves me. For me to expect him to be my hero, my rescuer is to place unfair, unrealistic expectations on him, and set him up to fail, despite what we are often told, it's not his responsibility to 'rescue' me.

Don't stereotype me because I'm a woman, I don't need rescuing, I have been rescued, and now I partner with my hero, my Saviour, Jesus, to see others rescued and set free, as do many of my male counterparts. As a woman who is married, I get to share this adventure with my husband, (but it's an adventure I'd still be participating in if I wasn't married!) This is reality not fantasy. In Christ we have been given the same commission and in him there is neither male nor female.

End of Rant.
Much love!

P.S: If you are a parent of a little girl, you might find these websites helpful:
A Mighty Girl Website - empowering girls everywhere, this link takes you to a page full of books about princesses who do the rescuing instead of waiting to be rescued

Miss Representation - A website based on the film which explores how the media’s misrepresentations of women have led to the underrepresentation of women in positions of power and influence. Has some great resources to get involved and active.

Play 'n' Pray - the skies the limit!

24-7 Prayer: Day Two



Our Church is currently spending the week in prayer, 24 hours a day for 7 days. So far everyone I have spoken to, who has spent time in the prayer room says "The time flies by", "An hour isn't long enough" "I'm signing up for another hour" or something along similar lines. The testimonies so far have been extreemly encouraging as people have sought God and found him. People of all ages have utilised the prayer space ... there is no limit as to who can come before God and experience His presence.

I've spent some time in the prayer room with Zac, Evy and Meila, (who I was looking after) and was encouraged to play and pray. Prayer isn't boring, it's not mundane (unless you make it that way), it can be exciting, fun and joyous. In the prayer tent is a dedicated space to encourage our kids to pray. 





Strait away Zac was drawn to the big beach ball which had sentence starters to help kids start their prayers. "Thank you for ..."

"I love you because..."

"Help me too ..."

"Help others too..."

"I'm sorry for..."

We had 'such fun', throwing the ball to each other ... praying and playing together. It was delightful, and I'm certain that God took great delight in his children enjoying their time with him.

We spent time playing with play dough, painting and sharing in communion together. As the kids painted their hands and put their prints on a sheet canvas, we talked about how God creates us all differently and knows everything about us. We thanked God for making us special and unique.

The simplicity of a childs prayer is inspiring. No flash words, no beating around the bush, just straight up honest. They pray for anything and everything, and nothing is impossible. Their prayers are bold, with a faith that says "the sky is the limit" ... actually, with a faith that says "not even the sky is the limit."

So much hope, so much faith, so much truth, so much love!

No wonder Jesus told us to come to him like little children.

"The people brought children to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. The disciples shooed them off. But Jesus was irate and let them know it: “Don’t push these children away. Don’t ever get between them and me. These children are at the very center of life in the kingdom. Mark this: Unless you accept God’s kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you’ll never get in.” Then, gathering the children up in his arms, he laid his hands of blessing on them." Mark 10:13-16 (MSG)

 

Simple.

 

Come to Jesus. Enter His embrace with the simplicity of a child, don't worry about using big flashy words, or trying to impress him (Matthew 6:5-18). Come, just as you are, honestly, truthfully, with hope, faith and in love. He delights when his children come to him in prayer. He longs to gather you in His arms and bless you.

 

Encourage prayer in the lives of our children. They get it. They pray without rules and regulations, in the beauty of it's simplicity. May we not complicate their prayer lifes with our own expectations and requirements of prayer, but encourage their honesty and freedom as they enter the embrace of Jesus.

 

SamMe

 

God makes the best peanut butter ...

In case you missed it, here's a short article published in the war cry just ahead of valentines day:

Last month, Brenton and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary.   What a crazy, fun, wild ride it’s been! Ups, downs, twists and turns don’t begin to describe it.

Living together, working together and two children later, it’s fair to say we have learnt a lot. 

Five key lessons we take from the past five years go a little like this:

1.  When conflict arises, remember the 3 Cs:

Confront: We can be quick to confront the other person, but how about confronting ourselves and asking, ‘What part did I play?’ ‘Did I anger easily, react, or have unrealistic expectations in the first place?’ I won’t change our relationship for the better by trying to change my spouse; the best way to bring about change is by starting with me. This means confronting my own weaknesses, expectations and actions. When I do this, I often end up apologising.
Commit: Whatever the conflict may be, we’re in this for the long haul so we are committed to working through it.
Communicate: Share our perspective openly and honestly. Communication isn’t just about expressing our perspective, it’s also essential to listen to our spouse’s perspective. Sometimes this might mean going away to process what they’ve said and coming back to talk about it again later.

2. People watch.

Growing up, I watched the relationships of those around me and decided what I wanted my own marriage to be like (and not to be like). Brenton and I still look to other couples we respect, seeing what things from their marriages we can implement in our own. We also recognise that other people are watching our marriage, especially our children. How we treat each other needs to be consistent—in and out of the home.

3. Love selflessly.

Ephesians 5:2 (The Message) says: ‘Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.’
If I am serious about putting this verse into practice in my marriage, it means loving my spouse by giving everything of me, without ulterior motives and without expecting anything in return. It means encouraging, equipping and empowering him to be all he can be. I’m convinced this can only result in marital bliss.

4. Keep the fire burning.

Brenton and I have found that time together fuels our relationship. We regularly spend time together on ‘date nights’ without the children. This is invaluable.

5. God makes the best peanut butter.

If we are the slices of bread in a sandwich, God is the peanut butter in the middle. If we’re the bricks, God’s the mortar. If we are the pages of a book, God is the spine binding us together.
This is without a doubt the greatest learning we take from the past five years. Our marriage is at its best and strongest when we make God the centre of our relationship. We grow and develop together as a couple when we are regularly spending time together in God’s presence, in prayer and in the Bible.

We are still rookies at marriage—we haven’t mastered these lessons and have a lot more to learn—but it’s a blast all the same. Marriage, with all its challenges, excitement and fun, is the best adventure I’ve ever been on!
By Sammy Millar (abridged from War Cry 9 February 2013, p3)

Kids, time and Jesus

What could be better? Seriously! There really is nothing like being in Christs presence!

So, why is it so hard to find time to get there? I don't know about you, but I find as a mum of two young children (3 & 1), spending dedicated time in Gods presence, in His word and seeking Him in prayer can be challenging to say the least.  In fact, it's been a daily struggle since having Zachy 3 1/2 years ago. It can be easy to find time to find time for facebook, or a fab TV show, yet I can struggle to make time to spend with God.

The constant "Muuuuum"s, requests, toys, books, messy lounge and squabbles easily fill my day (I wouldn't change it, I adore my kids). When Zachy was little I would sometimes find I could go a whole day without even saying hello to Jesus. Often those were the hardest, most tiring days. Yet in His Presence we find rest and strength. What I've come to realise is that a day without Jesus is like living in survival mode, we just get by. Days with Jesus, in the presence of His Spirit are full of life, joy, peace, power, grace and mercy.

I used to wipe off dedicated time with Jesus with "He's with me all day, I can pray to him anytime for anything", "I'm not a morning person" (understatement of the century!!!), "I can find Jesus in my everyday"  which is true, but they became excuses for not setting time aside to just be with Him , to just simply hang out, seek him, listen for him.  You know what? My time set aside with Jesus, in prayer and in His Word goes beyond my expectations every time! He never fails me, He always speaks when I'm listening, and I fall more in love with Him each time. (Like that's not enough reason to make time with Him a priority!)

I don't have all the answers, time with Jesus continues to be a struggle with two wee ones, but it's definitely a battle worth fighting. I don't want to survive each day, I want to live each day to its fullest.
This is an ongoing journey, it will continue to be. At the moment, some days I start the day with Jesus first thing, other days it's when my kids go down for their nap, others it's in the evening before bed, but I'm endeavouring to make it a daily thing because In Gods presence:

• we find rest (Exodus 22:14)
• there is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11)
• we experience His goodness (Psalms 31:19-20)
• we are strengthened (Psalms 46:1)
• we are cleansed (Psalms 51:10-11)
• we discover our true identity (Psalms 100:2-5)
• we are redeemed (Isaiah 63:8-9)
• we are refreshed (Acts 3:19-21)
• we find hope (Romans 5:5)
• we are given life (John 6:63)
• we are set free (2 Corinthians 3:17)
• we experience his love (Romans 5:5)
• we are transformed (2 Corinthians 3:18)

Amazing huh? SO SIMPLE TOO!

What things have you put in place to make spending time in Gods presence a priority?
For you parents out there, any tips for other young mums when it comes to hanging out with Jesus?

Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving; Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms. For the LORD is the great God, And the great King above all gods. Psalms 95:2-3

Much Aroha,
SamMe!