God makes the best peanut butter ...

In case you missed it, here's a short article published in the war cry just ahead of valentines day:

Last month, Brenton and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary.   What a crazy, fun, wild ride it’s been! Ups, downs, twists and turns don’t begin to describe it.

Living together, working together and two children later, it’s fair to say we have learnt a lot. 

Five key lessons we take from the past five years go a little like this:

1.  When conflict arises, remember the 3 Cs:

Confront: We can be quick to confront the other person, but how about confronting ourselves and asking, ‘What part did I play?’ ‘Did I anger easily, react, or have unrealistic expectations in the first place?’ I won’t change our relationship for the better by trying to change my spouse; the best way to bring about change is by starting with me. This means confronting my own weaknesses, expectations and actions. When I do this, I often end up apologising.
Commit: Whatever the conflict may be, we’re in this for the long haul so we are committed to working through it.
Communicate: Share our perspective openly and honestly. Communication isn’t just about expressing our perspective, it’s also essential to listen to our spouse’s perspective. Sometimes this might mean going away to process what they’ve said and coming back to talk about it again later.

2. People watch.

Growing up, I watched the relationships of those around me and decided what I wanted my own marriage to be like (and not to be like). Brenton and I still look to other couples we respect, seeing what things from their marriages we can implement in our own. We also recognise that other people are watching our marriage, especially our children. How we treat each other needs to be consistent—in and out of the home.

3. Love selflessly.

Ephesians 5:2 (The Message) says: ‘Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.’
If I am serious about putting this verse into practice in my marriage, it means loving my spouse by giving everything of me, without ulterior motives and without expecting anything in return. It means encouraging, equipping and empowering him to be all he can be. I’m convinced this can only result in marital bliss.

4. Keep the fire burning.

Brenton and I have found that time together fuels our relationship. We regularly spend time together on ‘date nights’ without the children. This is invaluable.

5. God makes the best peanut butter.

If we are the slices of bread in a sandwich, God is the peanut butter in the middle. If we’re the bricks, God’s the mortar. If we are the pages of a book, God is the spine binding us together.
This is without a doubt the greatest learning we take from the past five years. Our marriage is at its best and strongest when we make God the centre of our relationship. We grow and develop together as a couple when we are regularly spending time together in God’s presence, in prayer and in the Bible.

We are still rookies at marriage—we haven’t mastered these lessons and have a lot more to learn—but it’s a blast all the same. Marriage, with all its challenges, excitement and fun, is the best adventure I’ve ever been on!
By Sammy Millar (abridged from War Cry 9 February 2013, p3)

Actually ... "It takes a village..."

Zachys new thing at the moment is the word "actually". The other day he did something deserving of 'time out' and so I sent him into the hallway and as he got to the door he turned around, looked at me, and said ever so calmly "Actually, I don't want to go". No tanty ... just a calm objection to the consequence of his own behaviour (trust me, it's not always like this)! I had to bite my lip so i wouldn't lose it laughing. Since when has he known the word "actually"? He sounds so grown up when he uses it, it just doesn't seem right coming out of such a little person so matter-of-factly! Someone called him monkey the other day, and he quickly responded "Actually, my name is Zachary Millar!"

Actually, you are Zachary William flipping cute, gorgeous, bright, intelligent, loving, kind wee boy Millar! (Who says Mums are biased?)

Actually, one of the key thoughts that have impacted our parenting is the proverb "It takes a village to raise a child". I'd never really thought much about it until after we had Zac. I mentioned in my last blog about how I was studying when he was born, I had 8 weeks off, and then went back too it. The thought of putting Zac into Day care broke my heart. I couldn't bring myself to do it, he was so little and so vulnerable, and he'd been given to us to care for, so for me personally I just couldn't do it ... so Zachy joined our class as I trained to be an officer in The Salvation Army. (I will be forever grateful to the family orientated leaders and staff who supported us and enabled this to happen).

I think its fair to say not everyone in the class was on board with the idea to start with, however as the year went on Zac just became a part of the class and everyone began to take a role in caring for him. In our first days in class if i struggled to settle him, staff members would be more than happy to take him for a wee walk and cuddle while I sat in class. My Class mates would take their turns helping me out by feeding him (with the bottle, just to clear that up), cuddling him or changing the odd pooey nappy! Their help, their support, their investment into Zacs life kept me sane, so i could be the best mummy to him! I could not have studied and cared for him in that environment all by myself, Everyone became involved in Zacs growth and development.

It was around this time that I really began to understand the saying "It takes a village to raise a child". Zachy was cared for by us as his parents, but he had a village raising him, caring for him, influencing him ... our family extended to those doing the journey with us at BCM and those in our church family.

Of course this includes our own extended families, but because we live so far from them all :( the input of this wider family counted all the more!

 We set the boundaries, and we set the rules, and those around us helped us to enforce them. They helped to take the pressure off us, they supported and encouraged us ... I am so grateful for community. Once I had finished at BCM and we were appointed to our first corps in Upper Hutt (we are still there), I was up the front most weeks. Whenever I was up the front I entrusted the care of my child to someone else. (I picked who they were, and if they failed to enforce our boundaries and the rules we put in place, we didn't ask them to look after Zac again).

For example during church, once Zac started crawling the rule was that he could play on the floor, but he had to stay in a specific area. We got a mat and during church the mat was his boundary ... he wasn't allowed off it. I spent the first month of crawling Sundays down the back of church teaching him this new rule. He would crawl off, I would pick him up, put him back on the mat and tell him, "no moving off the mat during church" or "Stay on the mat". After a month, once i kicked back into 'up the front action' I simply told those looking after him on a Sunday morning he wasn't allowed off the mat and they enforced it. He tried to push the boundaries, but by having the same rules enforced by people who loved and cared for him, it solidified what I had already taught him. I think when we have others around who back us up and support what we have put in place it really helps to consolidate the importance of what we are teaching them.

So as a parent, I appreciate the influence others have on Zachy and Evy. I not only appreciate it, I welcome it ... there are just some things I can't offer and teach my kids, but others can. Brenton and I look to the support and encouragement of others to help us raise our children. We can't do it on our own!

I also realise the impact and influence I have in the lives of all the children around me, whether they be mine or not. Every child deserves love, care, affection, but not every child receives that. For me, every child who I have a relationship with, is in my village. My example to them of Jesus, the way I treat them and the love I show them will influence them in years to come. I've heard it said that every child needs 6-8 adults (other than their own parents) to take interest in them for them to grow into well-rounded stable adults. I look back on my own childhood and think of the many adults that influenced me positively. People i will be forever grateful for.

I also recognise the support I can give to other parents, last Sunday in church our kids shared about their experience at Supernova Kids camp. One single mum stood up and challenged the corps family by pleading with them ...  "Please take an interest in our kids, they need you, they need your support ... some of these are my kids, and I'm a single mum, I can't do this on my own, please take an interest".

In saying all of this ... actually ... all I'm saying is "It takes a village to raise a child".

Who are the children in your village needing your influence?
Who are the adults in your village who can influence your children?

Itsy Bitsy thoughts from SamMe

A tribute to Glad

I've been sewing! Whipped up these mean little nap mats for the kiddliwinks ...



Zachy chillin out on his new Thomas Nap Mat



They were sooo easy, thanks pinterest for the inspiration! All i did was zig zag sew 5 pillows together, pop some pillows in and voila, a handy dandy nap mat! Well, they would have been easy ... if my 1st attempt hadn't had me persevering for four hours solid (not even kidding, and NOT exaggerating in the slightest)! I was so determined to do this for the kids one Saturday in time for family movie night, that every time the cotton broke (which was about every 10 seconds) i just tried again. After 4 hours when i was only a quarter of the way through sewing my 2nd and 3rd pillow together, I finally gave up. I decided the sewing machine needed a service, so took it to the shop and when they quoted $130 to have it serviced, i brought some oil instead and took it home and gave it a good clean and oil. That seemed to do the trick actually, (oh and Brenton's mum had a good look at it for me, changed a few settings) and now its working wonderfully. Which is quite fabulous really, since it was brought in 1985 by my Nana!

It was quite incredible actually, as i used the machine i have inherited from my Nana, Gladys Catherine Wilson, a truckload of memories started flooding back. Memories of staying in Napier during the school holidays as a kid, and going to sleep with the sound of the sewing machine whirring away in the lounge. I remembered times when i was sleeping in the same room as the machine, and sometimes in the middle of the night i would wake up, the bedroom light would be on and Nana would be sewing away. Nana was so creative, she was always making something. Dolls, teddy bears, you name it, she could make it, and she would be up to the early early hours of the morning doing it! I remember waking up in the middle of the night, walking out to the lounge, it would be 2am, and Nana would be making ... but she would see me, put down what she was doing, open her arms and wrap me up with a big cuddle. I remember 5am starts on a Saturday and Sunday morning, to head down to Marine Parade where she would set up her stall and sell all her marvellous creations. When Zac was born she made him a beautiful little teddy bear, this was the last of her creations we were given, it sits with pride of place on a shelf in his room. What I've realised as I've started creating lately ... is that I've inherited my Nana's creativity, and even though i miss her like crazy, when I'm sewing on her old machine, or making something, I'm reminded of her, and i feel close to her again.

Using what has become one of my most treasured possessions - the 1985 sewing machine inherited from my Nana.

I'm so grateful for these memories, because since Nana has died the memories most vivid have been the ones of her body wasting away and her struggling to breath as she fought a long and hard battle against cancer. She was a fighter, a woman who showed a strength i haven't seen in many people, a woman who desired a united family, a woman who loved us with everything she had, a woman who taught me to put vicks on my children's back, chest and FEET when they have a cold (cos that's what she did for me), a woman who made me promise to teach my son to be good to women, a woman who I admire and respect, a woman who influenced me to be the person I am today.

My Nana holding Zachy at his dedication in 2009.

I'm thankful to be reminded of the good memories I have of my Nana, and the influence she's had in my life. Who are the people who have had the most influence in your life? What memories do you have of them? I think it's essential to remember those who have gone before us, what they've taught us and what we can pass on to our own children and the generations to come.

Some not so itsy bitsy thoughts from me.