Conditional love ... why I'm a far from perfect parent

A beautiful sun shiny day, the sky is blue, not a cloud in sight and Master four is home today with a hacking cough. His little throat is so sore. As the day goes on his energy increases and he wants to play. Ahhh the park. A source of joy, a place to play to learn to run, and to pee … apparently.

Seriously, every time we get to this particular park, one of the children need to go to the toilet. Which would be fine … if there was a toilet. There’s not. Today was no different, although we lasted a good ten minutes which is a miracle. So Master four is walking towards me, pulling down his pants without a care in the world. 

“Um, what are you doing?” I ask

“I need to go wee’s.” He replies

“Zachy, there is no toilet”

“I’ll just go on the grass.”

“Um, no you won’t. If you need to go to the toilet we’ll have to go home” as I start to pick up my bag

“Oh, it’s ok mum, I don’t need to go.”

And off he goes to play ... I thought.

Within a minute he’s out of my sight, and so I stand to find him … no sign. I walk around this tree that hangs over itself and creates a cave that kids love to play in, and as I look in, I see a four year old doing his business. MY four year old.

“Zachary Millar!”

He emerges pulling up his pants, he’s obviously relieved. I’m obviously mortified.

“In the car right now we are going home”

“What mum?! No!”

“Ah, yes, I told you not to do wees here, you didn't listen we are going home.”

I explained to him that it wasn't appropriate for so So SO many reasons! Deliberate disobedience. It’s fair to say I was disappointed.

And as we drive home, he sits in the back in tears. And then he hits me for a six with a question. It rocks me to my core. Children have this way of turning your world upside down in the most innocent of ways.

“But Mum” he sobs “Do you still love me?”

Are. you. kidding. me? He’s four. What on Earth would ever give him the impression that I would ... that it was even possible, for me to stop loving him. And my heart breaks. Because peeing in a bush after I’d told him not too is minuscule.

But for some reason, this little guy thinks that as a result of his behaviour, his disobedience, he is now unworthy of my love?

And my mind floods with questions; What have I done to make him think my love for him is conditional? A harsh word? A glaring look? A fierce tone? Too strict? Hovered? Ignored? What haven’t I done? Hugged enough? Encouraged enough? Played enough? Validated enough? Prayed enough?

This isn't the first time we've had this conversation. It’s happened a couple of times over the last couple of weeks.

“Zachy, of course I still love you! Nothing could ever stop me loving you. Nothing. Nothing you say, nothing you do. I will always love you.”

At home he apologises and melts in my arms. It’s over. And I hold him tight! I remind him I love him.

And he says “No matter what?”

“No matter what!!!”

And his lips curl up, he grins with this massive smile, and it’s like he knew all along. He just needed to be reassured. Man I love this kid.

Unconditional love loves regardless of behaviour and through the consequence. It’s the same way I’m loved by love himself. I love because he first loved me. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

And sometimes I question it and he reassures me with truth. I'm still learning. To be loved and to love. And I'm believing my boy, who I love more than I can say will learn, know and experience this unconditional love too. 

Meet Evy's Birth Mum

Brenton and I have been blessed with an incredible, beautiful daughter through an open adoption. It’s approaching one year since Rebecca, Evy's birth mum asked us if we would consider adopting. Rebecca is a brave, sacrificial, loving young woman who adores Evy. This is her story:

My name is Rebecca and I am writing this piece in Sammy’s blog to share my story of how I came to the decision to place my beautiful daughter Evelynn for adoption with Sammy and Brenton.

I was raised in a Christian household and my parents, like Sammy and Brenton, are Salvation Army Officers. In my teenage years I went through some major struggles and ended up pregnant at 15 with my first daughter. When I was 18 I found out I was pregnant with Evy. I was honestly panicked. I was already a solo mum to a wonderful little girl and, having a second baby, I knew would put a strain on me and her emotionally and financially.

I seriously considered abortion, even though I don’t believe in it, but since I was going to be doing it alone again it seemed like my only option. It wasn’t a good time in my life at all but then I started looking into adoption and what it all meant. I started the process and had looked into birth parents, but then at 20 weeks I decided that I couldn't do it and that I wanted my baby.

Our family was then moved down to Wellington for my parents' work and I decided to start over. That’s when I met Sammy and Brenton; they were officers at the church we started going to. They were wonderful, kind and loving people. Sammy especially helped me during my pregnancy, was at my baby shower, and we grew a close friendship.



On Tuesday 31^st May 2011 at 8:20am, weighing 8lb 6oz, I gave birth to my amazing beautiful little girl, Evelynn Jade. She was perfect and I loved her to pieces.



Evy with her birth mum, Rebecca



Life was great for the next 8 months, until I started seeing someone. He was very manipulative, controlling and made me feel very low about myself. I also believe I experienced some form of postnatal depression (as I had previously had it with my oldest daughter.) Something in me changed and my whole life started to spin out of control. So I decided that the best thing to do was to make the best life I could for my children.

I approached Sammy in the final week of January 2012 and asked her if they would consider adopting Evelynn. I had no idea that they had already started the process of adoption and I truly believe God had this perfectly planned out and protected everyone involved.

On March 16^th 2012 I signed my legal rights away as Evelynn’s mum and the legal process began. It was a long, drawn out and emotional process that took its toll on me physically, emotionally and mentally. It hurt more than anything I had ever been through but I know that it was the best decision I will ever make! Evelynn is with a safe, loving and incredible family. She will have the amazing Christian upbringing that I always wanted her to have, just like the one I had.

I still see Evelynn most weeks and get to babysit her. She still knows me really well, she calls my parents grandma and granddad and she still has an amazing bond with my other daughter. She has gained a whole new family while still keeping her original one and I am so blessed for Sammy and Brenton doing this amazing thing for me. We are now all like one big family and the bond and relationships built through this I believe will never fade or falter because God is in the center of it all!

Rebecca xx

Thinking Adoption

When I was a child I loved to play with dolls and play "babies". And when there wasn't a doll, I had imaginary babies. A friend and I use to pretend we had 8 children each … I always had a couple of sets of twins in my lot. As I grew up, my desire was to get married and have lots of babies. By the time I was a teenager I’d started spending weekends with a family from church who had 4 kids under 5. I was in my element, giving bottles, changing nappies … not really how most teenagers spend their weekends. I loved it, I felt like I was born for it. Anyone who knew me as a teenager, knows I used to talk about having my very own 7's rugby team.

If only it was as simple as getting married and having babies. 2 ½ years after our first child (Zac) was born, and a after a difficult journey with surgery, doctors, medications and the like we were given the diagnosis of "unexplained secondary infertility",Gutted!

It was heartbreaking.

It felt like the journey of a lifetime that would never end.

In the midst of the heartbreak and tears God began to speak to us about adoption. Looking back now, I see his hand in it all. Hindsight really is a wonderful thing.

I was in Palmy with Family, about halfway through last year, when someone who I admire and respect as a friend and parent asked me "Have you considered heading down the track of adoption?" In that one comment, something resonated in my spirit and I couldn't let it go. It was a thought that hounded me, so I prayed, "God, if this is your plan, you have to be the one to tell Brenton". It seems that God didn't think Brenton was the one who needed convincing. From that point on a series of events occurred pointing towards adoption.

Family members kept raising the idea of adoption, we’d get out DVDs – they’d have adoption themes running through them. Steve Dunne from the Jeremiah trust was guest speaker at youth councils. I wasn’t even there, but the youth came home raving about it and by some strange series of events I ended up on a phone conversation with him where he challenged me about adoption. I went to a women's conference where one of the key speakers spoke on Isaiah 54 (pretty sure that passage of scripture is compulsory for any women's conference, in my limited experience, it seems to make an appearance at least once!). She weaved the theme of adoption through her message and by the end of it my stomach was in knots, my heart was beating a million beats a second and the tears were flowing like a torrential downpour … God was speaking … again! It was like everywhere I turned there was a giant billboard with “ADOPT” written on it, plain as day!

Come November adoption was a frequent topic of conversation between Brenton and I. Brenton had a whole lot of questions and so we decided to attend an information evening through Child Youth and Family early December. At the end of the evening we both came away thinking this is something we could possibly do. We took the application papers away with us and decided to commit it to prayer over our summer holiday.

One of the key things that struck us at the adoption information evening was that last year in New Zealand there were around 50 adoptions (side note: There were 15,863 abortions in NZ in 2011). There are a few hundred people in the pool to adopt. So the chances of adopting in New Zealand are pretty minimal! With that in mind, by the end of our holiday, we thought “Why not? The chances of us actually adopting are next to none. Let’s send in our papers and see what happens. We will trust God with the outcome.”

So at the end of January this year, we posted our application papers with only close family knowing. Within a week of sending it off, we were approached by Evy's Birth Mum who asked us “Would you consider adopting Evy?” This is a young woman we know, who had no idea of the track we were heading down. Here begun our journey of adopting our precious, God-given daughter.

Our beautiful daughter on our first family outing

 I have no doubt of the hand of God in this situation. God is faithful and true.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

Sand Away...

Well, Evy's dolls house is currently looking worse than when i started! I'm beginning to think this was the worst idea EVER... well maybe just the sanding was the worst idea ever ... this dolls house has been painted a number of times, so getting rid of the paint is proving to be a bigger job than i thought!

The other day in a small group, we were asked what came to mind when we thought of potential, some of the others thought of new creations, but i thought of the dolls house. This dolls house was created for a purpose, to bring joy to a little girl or boy somewhere, who I'm sure absolutely loved it. But somewhere along the way it got a bit battered then it got a new paint job to cover up the dents and nicks, then it got used and battered a bit more, and so some more paint was popped on to make it look as good as new again. Then it got battered and broken all over again until it found it's way to our family store.

When i saw it on that dark, rainy, windy night, i saw its potential, potential to be again what it was originally created for ... to bring joy to a little girl or boy. When i think of potential i think restoration, I think about a dolls house being restored to its original purpose. But it goes even further ... yes the dolls house will be restored, but i want it to be even better than it was, i want it to be the best it can possibly be for Evy (and for Zachy, i know he'll love it too!)

I can't help but relate the dolls house to me, to us humans, we were created for a purpose, to bring Joy to God, to love him and love others. Sin stops us from fulfilling that original purpose, but God who is in the business of restoration wants to get us back to that original state through his son Jesus ... and it's totally possible. Throughout life we've sometime given ourselves a new paint job, covering up the dents and nicks and chips ... the thing is to be fully restored we can't just keep painting over the top. We've gotta get to the bottom and get it sorted, well actually, we have to let God get to the bottom, we've got to let him do some sanding.

What I've realised this week is that sanding isn't easy, it takes time, it's a process ... so is restoration ... but i want to reach my potential in life, fulfil the purpose i was created for ... so I say "Sand Away Lord!"

Just some simple 'itsy bitsy' thoughts from Me!

I'd love to hear about any of your own projects ... Have you ever restored anything? What was it? What were the challenges and joys of the restoration process?