Stalked by fear ... liberated by Love

Last night I woke to the sound of my four year old son screaming a blood curdling scream. I bolted out of bed to go to him, only to meet him in the hallway as he ran and leaped into my arms. I don't think I remember him ever holding me as tight as he did last night. He was holding on for dear life, crying and so I held him, tight. I took him into our bed and he settled in my arms, between Brenton and I. He told us that Monsters had been chasing him.So he'd ran, right into the arms of safety. We talked about it with him, talked about how there are no such thing as monsters and he calmed right down. After a visit to the toilet, he hopped back into his bed and went back to sleep. All I wanted to do was comfort him and allay his fears. I hated seeing him afraid and fearful.  

When I was 14 years old, my mum had taken a protection order out against her ex-partner. The living situation had been less than ideal for a long time, and she had built the courage to do what she needed to, to protect us. Unfortunately the protection order wasn't enough to deter him from 'harassing' us and the mental, emotional abuse and intimidation continued. He would sit down the road from our house and watch us, when we went out he followed, when we were visiting at a friends he would drive around and around the block. At one point he rented the house next door, I discovered it after finding holes in the fence, climbing a tree and seeing his car parked in the shed .

Fear marked my life. It was a continual state of being. One evening after arguing with Mum about something I left the house and started walking to a school event in the dark. As I walked he pulled up and drove his car alongside me. He drove off, and lapped the block I was walking. Terror took over. I have never been so petrified in all my life. I pulled out my cellphone and called mum (should have called the police, but fear clouded clarity and sense). She, in a panic and fluster, couldn't find her keys but contacted a friend to come and get me. By this stage he'd settled himself in a car park at a supermarket, watching as I walked.

Twice, a protection order breach was thrown out of court because of technicalities. The so called protection of the state really was no protection at all. For years after this event I was afraid of the dark. Right into my adult years. I struggled to walk outside by myself in the dark, I was hyper-vigilant of every noise and movement and avoided it as much as possible. Fear holds us captive. It stops us from living a full life. It has a way of chasing us down and cornering us, like a crazy stalking his prey. It wasn't until working through the 12 steps programme (highly recommend it!) during my training at Booth College of Mission that I found freedom from this fear. I remember the first time, walking from the main building to our little on campus unit, by myself, without fear. It was a celebratory moment. 

At the time of the incident I struggled to see Gods protection in the situation,  yet I look back now and I see it clearly. Recently during a time in prayer my thoughts took me back to that fear-filled night, and I had a picture of Jesus, standing between me and the car. A fierce look on his face, like only over his dead body would he let anyone get to me. Absolute determination, absolute protection, absolute security. 

Psalm 139 is one of my favourite psalms. Verse 10 says "your right hand will hold me fast." 

This speaks to me of ultimate security and protection. When I get in a car and fasten my seat-belt  I do it as a means of protection. If I have to stop suddenly, or find myself in a dangerous situation the seat-belt is there, fastened, to hold me in place, to protect me, and prevent harm.

Psalm 139:10 is a promise. In the right hand of God, we are held tight, we are secure, we are protected. Just as my son finds security, comfort and freedom from fear in my arms, we can find security, comfort and freedom from fear in Gods.

When we fail to trust Jesus, and choose to rely on other things like finances, relationships, status, others approval and affirmation we take a step out of His hand - we fail to rely on HIM to secure us. Trust and total dependence on him places us in the centre of His hand and assures us of His security and protection. 

"There is no room in love for fear." 1 John 4:18. God is love, it's his very nature. When we rest in God, abide in him, trust him and depend on him, fear dissipates and freedom reigns. Hallelujah!

Questions to consider:
Is there something I am fearful of?
In what or who do I depend on for ultimate security?
Am I embracing and living in the truth of the Word of God which says "Your right hand will hold me fast"?


Prayer: "Lord, thank you for the security, protection, comfort and freedom we have in you. Hold me fast in your right hand! In Jesus name, Amen." 

Aquitted

Their eyes pierce like swords
Staring me down
With judgement
Despising me, and all I've done.
Their whispers echo through the room,
I can't make out what they are saying
But I know
"Guilty"
They snicker, they mock, they ridicule
And they are right.
I've found myself here, on the stand
Not as a witness
But accused and condemned.

Innocent until proven guilty
What a joke.
I am guilty
I know it
They know it
He knows it
So I sit, waiting for my sentence
I'm without defence
What's the point?

I've sat in their seat
Judging
Mocking
Ridiculing
I'm guilty of murder, deceit, lust and hatred
I've hurt those who loved me
I've broken covenant
I've been two-faced, hidden behind masks
I'm guilty all the same
Swimming in shame
I know it
They know it
He knows it
So I sit and wait for my sentence

He rises from His seat
He approaches me
I don't anticipate what's coming
His eyes pierce like a sword with
                 Love
                         Grace
                                   Mercy
I don't hold His gaze
The shame is all consuming
He takes me by the hand
Leads me off the stand
Staring me down
With tears in His eyes
Immense in deep, deep love
Despite what I've done.
His whisper echos through the room
"Go in freedom and sin no more. They might condemn you, I don't."
"I love you with an everlasting love
 I know you
 I know your heart
You are forgiven, you are set free"
He removes the shackles binding me

Something starts to happen from within
It builds like fire
I welcome the discomfort
Guilt and shame ... dissolve

I lift my face to look him in the eyes
In the intimacy of that moment
It's like...
That's all he ever wanted.

The fire within continues to burn
Somehow he's infiltrated me,
Consuming me.
The joy
           hope
                   love is indescribable
Like nothing I've ever imagined
He anoints, appoints and affirms me
He shifts His gaze to the door
Indicating my time here is done
His whisper echos through the room
"Not guilty, Freedom"

I walk in it
As I walk in this new found freedom
In His truth
It's like His embrace is all encompassing
It gets stronger, firmer with each step
As I leave this place of judgement,
Acquitted,
I take one last look.

And there He is
On the Stand
In my place
Their eyes pierce Him like swords
Their whispers echo through the room
They snicker
They mock
They ridicule
But He's innocent
I know it
They know it
He knows it

From that place of guilt and shame
He nods to me
Affirming me as I walk in His freedom
This is love
               This is grace
                                 This is mercy
                                                    This is Jesus

God makes the best peanut butter ...

In case you missed it, here's a short article published in the war cry just ahead of valentines day:

Last month, Brenton and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary.   What a crazy, fun, wild ride it’s been! Ups, downs, twists and turns don’t begin to describe it.

Living together, working together and two children later, it’s fair to say we have learnt a lot. 

Five key lessons we take from the past five years go a little like this:

1.  When conflict arises, remember the 3 Cs:

Confront: We can be quick to confront the other person, but how about confronting ourselves and asking, ‘What part did I play?’ ‘Did I anger easily, react, or have unrealistic expectations in the first place?’ I won’t change our relationship for the better by trying to change my spouse; the best way to bring about change is by starting with me. This means confronting my own weaknesses, expectations and actions. When I do this, I often end up apologising.
Commit: Whatever the conflict may be, we’re in this for the long haul so we are committed to working through it.
Communicate: Share our perspective openly and honestly. Communication isn’t just about expressing our perspective, it’s also essential to listen to our spouse’s perspective. Sometimes this might mean going away to process what they’ve said and coming back to talk about it again later.

2. People watch.

Growing up, I watched the relationships of those around me and decided what I wanted my own marriage to be like (and not to be like). Brenton and I still look to other couples we respect, seeing what things from their marriages we can implement in our own. We also recognise that other people are watching our marriage, especially our children. How we treat each other needs to be consistent—in and out of the home.

3. Love selflessly.

Ephesians 5:2 (The Message) says: ‘Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.’
If I am serious about putting this verse into practice in my marriage, it means loving my spouse by giving everything of me, without ulterior motives and without expecting anything in return. It means encouraging, equipping and empowering him to be all he can be. I’m convinced this can only result in marital bliss.

4. Keep the fire burning.

Brenton and I have found that time together fuels our relationship. We regularly spend time together on ‘date nights’ without the children. This is invaluable.

5. God makes the best peanut butter.

If we are the slices of bread in a sandwich, God is the peanut butter in the middle. If we’re the bricks, God’s the mortar. If we are the pages of a book, God is the spine binding us together.
This is without a doubt the greatest learning we take from the past five years. Our marriage is at its best and strongest when we make God the centre of our relationship. We grow and develop together as a couple when we are regularly spending time together in God’s presence, in prayer and in the Bible.

We are still rookies at marriage—we haven’t mastered these lessons and have a lot more to learn—but it’s a blast all the same. Marriage, with all its challenges, excitement and fun, is the best adventure I’ve ever been on!
By Sammy Millar (abridged from War Cry 9 February 2013, p3)

Meet Evy's Birth Mum

Brenton and I have been blessed with an incredible, beautiful daughter through an open adoption. It’s approaching one year since Rebecca, Evy's birth mum asked us if we would consider adopting. Rebecca is a brave, sacrificial, loving young woman who adores Evy. This is her story:

My name is Rebecca and I am writing this piece in Sammy’s blog to share my story of how I came to the decision to place my beautiful daughter Evelynn for adoption with Sammy and Brenton.

I was raised in a Christian household and my parents, like Sammy and Brenton, are Salvation Army Officers. In my teenage years I went through some major struggles and ended up pregnant at 15 with my first daughter. When I was 18 I found out I was pregnant with Evy. I was honestly panicked. I was already a solo mum to a wonderful little girl and, having a second baby, I knew would put a strain on me and her emotionally and financially.

I seriously considered abortion, even though I don’t believe in it, but since I was going to be doing it alone again it seemed like my only option. It wasn’t a good time in my life at all but then I started looking into adoption and what it all meant. I started the process and had looked into birth parents, but then at 20 weeks I decided that I couldn't do it and that I wanted my baby.

Our family was then moved down to Wellington for my parents' work and I decided to start over. That’s when I met Sammy and Brenton; they were officers at the church we started going to. They were wonderful, kind and loving people. Sammy especially helped me during my pregnancy, was at my baby shower, and we grew a close friendship.



On Tuesday 31^st May 2011 at 8:20am, weighing 8lb 6oz, I gave birth to my amazing beautiful little girl, Evelynn Jade. She was perfect and I loved her to pieces.



Evy with her birth mum, Rebecca



Life was great for the next 8 months, until I started seeing someone. He was very manipulative, controlling and made me feel very low about myself. I also believe I experienced some form of postnatal depression (as I had previously had it with my oldest daughter.) Something in me changed and my whole life started to spin out of control. So I decided that the best thing to do was to make the best life I could for my children.

I approached Sammy in the final week of January 2012 and asked her if they would consider adopting Evelynn. I had no idea that they had already started the process of adoption and I truly believe God had this perfectly planned out and protected everyone involved.

On March 16^th 2012 I signed my legal rights away as Evelynn’s mum and the legal process began. It was a long, drawn out and emotional process that took its toll on me physically, emotionally and mentally. It hurt more than anything I had ever been through but I know that it was the best decision I will ever make! Evelynn is with a safe, loving and incredible family. She will have the amazing Christian upbringing that I always wanted her to have, just like the one I had.

I still see Evelynn most weeks and get to babysit her. She still knows me really well, she calls my parents grandma and granddad and she still has an amazing bond with my other daughter. She has gained a whole new family while still keeping her original one and I am so blessed for Sammy and Brenton doing this amazing thing for me. We are now all like one big family and the bond and relationships built through this I believe will never fade or falter because God is in the center of it all!

Rebecca xx