Last night I woke to the sound of my four year old son screaming a blood curdling scream. I bolted out of bed to go to him, only to meet him in the hallway as he ran and leaped into my arms. I don't think I remember him ever holding me as tight as he did last night. He was holding on for dear life, crying and so I held him, tight. I took him into our bed and he settled in my arms, between Brenton and I. He told us that Monsters had been chasing him.So he'd ran, right into the arms of safety. We talked about it with him, talked about how there are no such thing as monsters and he calmed right down. After a visit to the toilet, he hopped back into his bed and went back to sleep. All I wanted to do was comfort him and allay his fears. I hated seeing him afraid and fearful.
When I was 14 years old, my mum had taken a protection order out against her ex-partner. The living situation had been less than ideal for a long time, and she had built the courage to do what she needed to, to protect us. Unfortunately the protection order wasn't enough to deter him from 'harassing' us and the mental, emotional abuse and intimidation continued. He would sit down the road from our house and watch us, when we went out he followed, when we were visiting at a friends he would drive around and around the block. At one point he rented the house next door, I discovered it after finding holes in the fence, climbing a tree and seeing his car parked in the shed .
Fear marked my life. It was a continual state of being. One evening after arguing with Mum about something I left the house and started walking to a school event in the dark. As I walked he pulled up and drove his car alongside me. He drove off, and lapped the block I was walking. Terror took over. I have never been so petrified in all my life. I pulled out my cellphone and called mum (should have called the police, but fear clouded clarity and sense). She, in a panic and fluster, couldn't find her keys but contacted a friend to come and get me. By this stage he'd settled himself in a car park at a supermarket, watching as I walked.
Twice, a protection order breach was thrown out of court because of technicalities. The so called protection of the state really was no protection at all. For years after this event I was afraid of the dark. Right into my adult years. I struggled to walk outside by myself in the dark, I was hyper-vigilant of every noise and movement and avoided it as much as possible. Fear holds us captive. It stops us from living a full life. It has a way of chasing us down and cornering us, like a crazy stalking his prey. It wasn't until working through the 12 steps programme (highly recommend it!) during my training at Booth College of Mission that I found freedom from this fear. I remember the first time, walking from the main building to our little on campus unit, by myself, without fear. It was a celebratory moment.
At the time of the incident I struggled to see Gods protection in the situation, yet I look back now and I see it clearly. Recently during a time in prayer my thoughts took me back to that fear-filled night, and I had a picture of Jesus, standing between me and the car. A fierce look on his face, like only over his dead body would he let anyone get to me. Absolute determination, absolute protection, absolute security.
Psalm 139 is one of my favourite psalms. Verse 10 says "your right hand will hold me fast."
This speaks to me of ultimate security and protection. When I get in a car and fasten my seat-belt I do it as a means of protection. If I have to stop suddenly, or find myself in a dangerous situation the seat-belt is there, fastened, to hold me in place, to protect me, and prevent harm.
Psalm 139:10 is a promise. In the right hand of God, we are held tight, we are secure, we are protected. Just as my son finds security, comfort and freedom from fear in my arms, we can find security, comfort and freedom from fear in Gods.
When we fail to trust Jesus, and choose to rely on other things like finances, relationships, status, others approval and affirmation we take a step out of His hand - we fail to rely on HIM to secure us. Trust and total dependence on him places us in the centre of His hand and assures us of His security and protection.
"There is no room in love for fear." 1 John 4:18. God is love, it's his very nature. When we rest in God, abide in him, trust him and depend on him, fear dissipates and freedom reigns. Hallelujah!
Questions to consider:
Is there something I am fearful of?
In what or who do I depend on for ultimate security?
Am I embracing and living in the truth of the Word of God which says "Your right hand will hold me fast"?
Prayer: "Lord, thank you for the security, protection, comfort and freedom we have in you. Hold me fast in your right hand! In Jesus name, Amen."
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