Our experience and choice of parenting for Zac however has been quite different from AP one we've thought has been successful. The reason I've started thinking about it in the last week of so is after watching a segment on 60 minutes dedicated to AP (some parents weren't to fussed on the way this presented AP)
Before I had Zac a friend had started to base her parenting on the book Baby Wise (the link is a wikipedia link, not the best source i know, but it outlines what it is and also shows criticism against Baby Wise). Anyway, my friend, she had a cruisy baby who slept through early on, he was content and happy and so i decided it was worth reading the book. As I read it, it really resonated with me. It lined up with the kind of parenting i had observed as a teenager in a family whose children have grown into incredible young men and the kind of parenting we decided to imitate. EVERY parent I've spoken to who have been 'baby wise parents' only had positive things to say. In fairness ... I've only had this conversation with about 11 mums ... it's not a full blown research project.
I am the mother of two wonderful, gorgeous children. I am incredibly blessed!
This is my story, and I am not implying it's the way all children should be raised, I'm not implying it's the only way ... it's the way we choose to do it, and our choice was made based on the way we had seen other children raised, and the kind of people they were/are becoming. (Our choice wasn't based so much on research ... i can be pretty scepticle of research and its credibility) In saying that, again, our parenting style has changed a little for Evy and we've taken on some AP concepts.
When I would put him down for day sleeps in the early days he would often sleep in the moses basket in the lounge. I would put him down, and let him cry. 10 minutes was my cap, if he was still crying at 10 minutes then i would come and soothe him and we'd try again ... more often than not, he'd be asleep before 10 minutes. Yup, I'm a parent who watches the clock! We set his sleep times and set a routine for him to work around us.
Understandably if a child is left to cry for hours on end, of course that will be detrimental, but i don't believe crying is harmful for children ... in fact, i actually quite like a good cry myself! The interesting thing we found is that once Zac was well established in his routine (set by us)... he stopped crying ... he just didn't cry (unless he'd hurt himself) because he didn't need to. He came to realise that sleep, eating, bathing, playing all happened, and he just cruised through it all. He would wake up, chat away in his cot ... knowing we would be there to pick him up when it was time. We didn't have to respond so quickly that he didn't cry, he just didn't cry because he was secure and knew his needs would be met, we put this down to routine ... he certainly had off days and we would just go with it on these days but mostly he was up and feeding at 7am, 11am, 3pm, 7pm and again at 11pm by 8 weeks he was going through to 7am and not long after that dropped the 11pm feed. Obviously as he got older and his needs changed, we changed his routine ... but it has been a sweeeeet ride!!!
One of the interesting things I've read in research is that letting a baby cry can result in brain damage ... well Zachy is certainly not that, he was counting to 12 and singing his ABC's well before he was 2.
I also note that the particular family we have chosen to model our parenting from have 5 boys who all excel in certain areas, musically, academically and physically. They are teens and adults now and incredibly well adjusted! No sign of brain damage what-so-ever! Sometimes I read research and I'm sceptical because what the research says really doesn't match up to my own experience or my own observations.
As I've been writing today's post, I've thought of a number of ideas/thoughts/observations we have based our parenting on and i think each one probably deserves a post of it's own so over the next week or two I will blog sharing our story, our own evolving model of parenting. It's probably a mix of all kinds of parenting styles, but one we have found super successful when we look at our kids. It includes: Routine, Routine Routine, Rules and Boundaries, It takes a village to raise a child and fun & play. I'm sure I'll probably discover more as i go. I am no professional, I'm not trying to be, I only have 2 children and they are still young (plenty more time for me to make more mistakes)... I'm just wanting to share our story and what has worked for us over the last 3 years ... take it or leave it, with the whole AP 'movement' (I don't know if that's the right thing to call it) I've sometimes felt like maybe I've done the wrong thing with Zac, and caused him more harm then good, but then i look at him and realise that so far ... he's turned out great.
All in all, if we were to have another baby ... we'd be definitely be leaning towards the controversial Baby Wise again.
What have you found has really worked for you in your parenting?
Is there any ones parenting style you observed before you had kids you wanted to imitate in your own parenting?
Share with me in the comments section below!
Some simple itsy bitsy thoughts from SamMe.
P.S: The dolls house is really coming along nicely ... almost finished the interior ... I just have to find some kind of carpet and then the work on the exterior will begin. I'm having SO much!!!
The inside so far ... bit of paint and wall paper to brighten it up
The outside all prepped and ready to paint
What a very mixed bag! Would love to know what AP concepts you are employing with your beautiful E.
ReplyDeleteI am AP ALL the way, as you know. For us, it has allowed an abundance of love and playfulness and connection, relaxedness and fun!
I am personally really against Babywise, you know? I think mothers who are not as wise as you often just follow it to the letter and it really harms their sense of motherhood and even the health of their baby. There! I said it!
You, however, have obviously taken from it the things that will work for your family and have allowed it to nurture you all. Which is lovely.
In terms of the brain damage bit - it isn't about intelligence but it is about the wiring of the brain, particularly in the empathy stakes. Neouroscience research shows us that babies who are left to cry for long periods lack capacity for empathy- their brain has been wired for survival, rather than loving others.
I feel that there is such a wealth of research in this area that I can't argue with it.
However, of course, in families where BW and crying it out is followed alongside an absolutely loving and caring environment the effects will be balanced out somewhat. But I really can't get my head around where the love exists in letting a baby cry itself to sleep. It upsets me.
All the love and respect in the world my dear friend! xxxxx
Hey Lu, Thanks for your comment! We are definately a mixed bag when it comes to our parenting.
ReplyDeleteIts so interesting ... this whole crying business ... I am yet to meet a BW child who's been left to cry lacking in Empathy (even those who are now adults), Zachy certainly isn't, I think he's quite remarkable really when it comes to his care, concern and compassion for others (but I am his mama). I think too that he wasn't left to cry for long periods (I don't think 10 minutes is long). I am convinced though that it has to be balanced with appropriate stimulation (singing, eye contact, play etc), affection (touch, warmth, cuddles, affirmation etc), a loving caring environment so that all those positive connections and pathways can be made so children can relate to others with warmth and empathy. Again, what we found is that the whole controlled crying thing only lasted a few weeks, because Zac learnt his needs would be met and became well established in a routine, so in those first 3 most important years of his little brain firing synapses and building connections, controlled crying was such a small portion of it all.
I'm hoping to blog on how our journey of building attachment with Evy is going sometime soon, incorporating some of the attachment parenting concepts babywearing, bonding, (I can't breastfeed her obviously, but we are still bottle feeding her despite the fact she doesn't 'need' it).
Anyways, love right back at ya lovely lady xoxo