Heard, Seen, Loved ... finding hope amidst the pain of secondary infertility

I remember as a child falling off the top of the fort at school (Terrace End Primary, whoop!). I'm not sure how I fell, but I remember landing ...  it took my breath away. It winded me. And it hurt. Thankfully, there was no serious injury, but that feeling of breathlessness and the pain, it was very real.

Sometimes that feeling revisits. And it doesn't take falling off a fort to bring it about. At times in my life it has come with the death of a loved one, or when hopes have been dashed. Sometimes, for me, the cause of my pain is secondary infertility (yup, it's a thing!), all it takes is hearing that a friend is pregnant again, or that they've just been blessed with a new healthy baby. A few weeks ago, 3 of my friends had babies and 2 of my friends announced pregnancies, within the space of 7 days. I was genuinely happy for them ... so so so stoked. But at the same time it felt as though I had been winded. I was reminded of something I can't have. Pain that I thought was over and done with, resurfaced. I was taken by surprise. Again, today, news has left me feeling breathless, feeling that pain and grief, and with a mind full of questions.

I have been blessed with two amazing children who I am incredibly thankful for. Zach, (who turned 4 on Tuesday, I fell pregnant with him without any trouble which was a miracle given a long history of endometriosis) and Evy (our second miracle who joined our family through adoption). So you'd think I'd count by blessings and just be grateful for what I've got right? I mean, I have two children. Some people are left longing for even one. To them, my heart goes out.

But the truth is, at times, it still hurts. The pain is still present. The grief real. And sometimes, when I think I have it all sorted, it takes me by surprise and leaves me breathless.

Today I was reminded of the story of Hannah, found in 1 Samuel 1. Here is a woman who's 'womb had been closed'. She was struggling with infertility, and her heart was broken. Her husband was married to another woman as well, another woman who had children, and this woman took pleasure in reminding Hannah of her misfortune and barrenness, she revelled in rubbing salt in Hannah's wound.

For years!

It devastated Hannah's husband to see her so broken, but even he couldn't fully grasp the extent of her pain.

"In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly." 1 Sam 1:10
This woman inspires me! In the depth of her despair, she knew who to turn to, where to go, and she didn't go unheard. He prayers were answered. She was blessed.

Verse 20 says "So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.”

In the course of time.

Hope!

Always Hope!

For all of us, there are moments where pain is overwhelming and we are left feeling breathless, and it feels as though all hope is lost. Whatever it is that leaves you breathless,

winded,

questioning,

with a deep pain and inner turmoil

go to Him.

In our anguish, may we turn to the one who is hope and love, who will not fail us, who sees us, hears us and knows us, through and through.[1]   Even in our bitter weeping, may we be found in prayer before the One who will answer.

SamMe.

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[1] (Check out this amazing song!) 

I am Woman

"I am Woman,

Hear me roar?

Or hear me whisper from a corner,

Silence is preferred!

I’m just a possession.

Hidden.

Head down, covered in shame?

A silhouette, outline, merely a frame

My clothing, it strangles me. Defiles me.

I wear anger, resentment, bitterness and hate.

Jealousy and submission seal my fate.

My name is Abandoned!

Rejected!

Mistaken!

Unknown!

Repulsive!

Worthless!

Useless!

Hopeless!

I’m left Oppressed.

Repressed.

Powerless.

Breathless.

It comes with the territory.

In the depth of despair, pain and being unknown

A whisper through the wind breathes “Mine”

Identity Discovered!

Restored. Revived. Liberated.

My name is Beloved!

Precious!

Treasured!

Chosen!

Valued!

Destined!

Appointed!

Anointed!

Known!

Grace is my story

Hope is my anchor

Joy is my strength

Laughter is my song

My clothing encapsulates Freedom,

Dressed by the One who redeems.

I’m clothed with strength.

Dignity. Kindness. Compassion. 

Beauty. Zeal. Determination.

Tender-hearted Mercy.

Humility. Grace. Love.

It comes with the territory.

I lift my face

I raise my voice

I will not be Silent

My shouts will prevail

I am Woman”

Joy, Pain and Influence on Mothers Day

I have been blessed with two incredible children who are absoloute miracles to our family. I love them and am so thankful to be their Mum. I've also been blessed with a fab Mum who I am soooo grateful for ... But I don't need a special day to tell her I love her, (I know, I know, party pooper!) every time I speak to Mum on the phone or skype I tell her and I try to tell her regularly "Thank you".

For many people Mothers Day is an opportunity to do lunch, to buy and receive gifts, to catch up, a time of grateful remembrance. For others, let’s face it, it’s a painful time, a time where the agony of broken relationships resurface, where the memories of what wasn’t invade our thinking, where the searing loss and grief of mothers past re-emerge, and for those who have never had the opportunity to be called “Mum” it can be like a big kick in the guts.

So I've been thinking about what I want 'Mothers Day' to look like in our home, in our wee family unit of four. There will be no gifts. For us, as the years go by, it will be about celebrating the women of influence in our lives, which will undoubtedly include our mothers, but not be limited to them. We will celebrate Grandmothers, Aunties, school teachers, church leaders, mentors, and friends.

Today my children will be making cards, or something, to say thank you to the women who invest into their lives regularly. We will talk about and celebrate the women who influence them, encourage them, cuddle them, kiss them, and care for them as they grow and develop. 

As I reflect, the women of influence in my own life are many. I am incredibly blessed.

Today I celebrate, honor and thank the women who have influenced my life. Those who have loved me, mothered me, mentored me, challenged me, encouraged me, pushed me and inspired me. Those who have laughed with me, shed tears with me, prayed with me and for me, especially in the times I couldn’t pray myself. Those who have exampled courage, determination, patience, grace, faithfulness, integrity and innovation to me. To those who have demonstrated the loving, caring, nurturing heart of God, who have given their all, who have sacrificed and loved to the truest extent, I am forever grateful!

Much love and grace!

Sammy

(The intention of this post isn't to minimise the work, sacrifice or love of our mums, but to get us thinking in a broader sense about the women of influence in our lives, we should be honoring and thanking our mums everyday anyway)

Their Shouts Prevailed ...

One of my most memorable wedding gifts was the megaphone I was given by my church family. I say “I” was given, because, it really was for me, (and they did apologise to Brenton for it) apparently they just couldn’t resist … much to my delight. It was a bit of a joke … because anyone who knows me, knows the LAST thing I need is a megaphone. At our wedding, I tried to use the megaphone for my speech during the reception,

 

Cute, look how her groom is gazing adoringly at his new bride.
(either that or he's thinking "Do they hate me? Why did they give her a Megaphone?")



but no one could take me seriously (no idea why) so I resorted to the microphone. The truth is I liked to be heard.

Don’t we all?

Some of us find making ourselves heard a little easier than others.

One group in the bible, who didn’t struggle in making their voices heard, was the Jewish high priests and leaders at the trial of Jesus before Pilate.

“Their shouts prevailed” Luke 23:23 (NIV)

These three words struck me when I read them a few months ago. It was like I was reading them for the first time, and it seemed as though God was SHOUTING them to me. “THEIR SHOUTS PREVAILED!!!” A number of personal questions came to mind.

“What am I shouting about?”

“Where are my shouts prevailing?”

“Where is my voice being heard?”

I was incredibly challenged!

How did the shouts of the Jewish high priest and leaders prevail?

They were prepared. “Then the chief priests and the elders of the people assembled in the palace of the high priest, whose name was Caiaphas, and they schemed to arrest Jesus secretly and kill him.” Matthew 26:3-4 (NIV) They were prepared. They had a plan in place, they’d had meetings, talked about it, rallied the troops and took it to the appropriate authorities to present their case.

They were persistent “But they insisted, “He stirs up the people all over Judea by his teaching. He started in Galilee and has come all the way here.” Luke 23:5 (NIV)

 The more opposition, or resistance they encountered from Pilate the louder they got, and the stronger they got. They didn’t let his opposition hold them back. They weren’t going to take no for an answer.

They were passionate. “The chief priests and the teachers of the law were standing there, vehemently accusing him.”Luke 23:10 They totally believed in what they were shouting about, they were dedicated and committed to it. They were fervent, the atmosphere must have been heated and intense.[1]

They were united. “With one voice the crowd cried out, “Kill this man! Give Barabbas to us!” Luke 23:18  They had a united voice and there is power in unity.

The Jews had an effective group, with an effective strategy: preparation, passion, persistence, and unity so … their shouts prevailed.

BUT … while we can learn from their strategy, we have to acknowledge that their motive and purpose was tainted. They were shouting for injustice. They were shouting to have an innocent man killed, there was nothing honourable about that. Yes, they were passionate, they truly believed in what they were shouting for, (so much so that as Jesus hung on the Cross near death he prayed “Father, forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing.”) but their cause was lacking.

As followers of Jesus, our cause is justice, as was his. God is a God of justice, and injustice breaks his heart, Jesus has experienced it himself. He knows what it’s like.

When we shout, when we desire for our voices, our shouts to prevail, let them be for justice. We don’t have to look far before the injustices around us become apparent, the world is swimming in injustice; domestic violence, addictions, discrimination, inequality, child poverty, poverty to name a few. If you lack passion, and have a desire for justice pray to the Lord: “Break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your kingdoms cause.” But be warned, God will answer your prayer.

For those who can’t speak up, who haven’t discovered their voice yet, for those who struggle to make their voice heard, raise your voice on their behalf.

We shout for Justice! And we will prevail when we shout with preparation, passion, perseverance and unity.

There’s a megaphone inside all of us, a shout longing to prevail. Raise your voice.

SamMe

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[1] (In the KJV, Luke 23:23 starts “With loud voices …” The original Greek language says: phōnē Megas (which I find incredibly amusing given my fascination with megaphones!) “Megas is often used of intensity and its degrees: with great effort, of the affections and emotions of the mind, of natural events powerfully affecting the senses: violent, mighty, strong or things esteemed highly for their importance: of great moment, of great weight, importance. It also denotes large, big, and massive.” (Thanks Blue Letter Bible!)

I mean come on, is it really any wonder their shouts prevailed?